Exciting/Scary Job Thoughts

In my journal, there are two pages that are especially pertinent to my present state. Written on a Thursday in August, the day I found out I had been hired as a full time English teacher for the 2013-2014 school year. On one page is a list I called “Scary thoughts now that I have a job”, and on the next page is a list I called “Exciting thoughts now that I have a job.”

I will start with a few thoughts from the scary list:

3. What if my students don’t like me?

4. What if I don’t like the school?

5. What if there is a lot of rigidity in lesson content?

6. What if I don’t impress them with Common Core stuff like they are expecting?

7. What if I make a fool of myself?

And a few thoughts from the exciting list:

1. I HAVE A FUCKING JOB!

2. I get my own classroom.

3. I get to teach things the way I want to teach them.

4. I get to write my own lessons!

6. It is a big school, but a high achieving school.

9. Did I mention no more applications and interviews?

And now a few thoughts I wish I could share with myself from 10 months ago. Or maybe some things I’m glad I know 10 months ago.

1. Yeah, some students don’t like you. Got over that really, really quick. Most days. The good news? There are a whole lot of students who really do like you. And most days you like them too. Granted, there are still students who you want to crack their skulls together, but you never have.

2. You don’t like the school. You like the students. You like the teachers you work with. But you don’t like the school. And that’s okay. There are worse things in life than realizing you don’t like the place you work.

3. There’s no rigidity in the lesson content. And that has sucked. Because as a first year teacher, having some kind of clue as to what you’re supposed to be doing would have been great. Getting handed a book and being told, “make it fit to Common Core” is the worst.

4. On the topic of Common Core: you have no idea. No idea. No fucking idea. But you’ve gotten good at pretending. And you’ve learned more than you think.

5. Oh, yeah. A fool has been made. Luckily, you’ve always been good at laughing at yourself. Not so good at being able to cry about things, though.

6. You had a job. Your first real job. And it sucked. It was the hardest 9 months of your life. But you survived. And next year you’ll have another job. And maybe it won’t be as hard.

7. You didn’t get your own classroom. But you shared with some pretty wonderful teachers.

8. Sometimes teaching things the way you want to teach them doesn’t work. Because you don’t know what the hell you’re doing. Ask for help. Don’t be ashamed to admit you have no idea.

9. It’s a big school. And they look like they’re high achieving. But there are a lot of students who don’t fit into those ‘high’ brackets. And sometimes it is really hard to focus on those students because they don’t care and they don’t want to be there. But you need to anyway.

10. Welcome back to the world of job applications. It sucks. But you can find some place that is better for you. Emotionally. Mentally. Physically. Spiritually. Because you haven’t been happy there. And you deserve to spend the majority of your time somewhere that makes you happy at least half the time.

You googled ‘how to write a resignation letter’. Never thought that was a skill you would have to learn. It was hard, admitting that you needed to go somewhere else. And it will continue to be hard as you spend hours filling out applications, freaking out about interviews, and not sleeping because of big questions.

But I deserve to be excited about teaching. I do. I really, really do. 

So my journey continues. 

School Daze

It has been a long time since my last blog, and don't get too hopeful for regular blogging from this very tired teacher. However, periodically, it will happen. Tonight is one of those nights. For a little while, anyway.

In hope to save time and precious mental energy, a list is in order. A list of all the wonderful (and annoying) lessons I am learning at the moment as a first week teacher.

1. I can never get too much sleep. Seriously, I was in bed by 9:00 on Friday night. Pathetic. I can't wait until my body is used to waking up at 5:00 every morning...

2. Planning for three different classes is hard. I don't know how rural teachers plan for six or seven different preps.

3. Do not try and get juniors to talk about The American Dream for three class periods, even if the activities are varied and you pull in a MLKJ speech. They will want to throw rocks at you.

4. Teachers spend so much time doing silly little tasks, like seating charts and bathroom sign out sheets. Seriously, it's obnoxious.

5. Getting high school students to bring a free reading book to class every day is like getting those same high school students to...well, do just about anything. Stop talking, for instance. Or write for an entire free write prompt.

6. Do not tick off the librarians. So far, I don't think I have. They have so much power, and they know it.

7. Do not let veteran teachers complain to you. Seriously, if they start complaining about a student the first day of class, politely get out of ear shot. Too much negativity is not good for you.

8. There are far too many options for benefits when the benefited is 23 and has no idea what kind of health or dental or vision or retirement plan she should have...

9. My To Do lists never go away. They just get rewritten on a new page with lots of new things added to it.

10. Students (especially Junior boys) have already figured out how easily I am to get off topic. And flustered. And giggly.

11. When the same group of Junior boys makes a comment about the fact you appear to be single, walk away before they extend an invitation to go to lunch with them. Because then maybe you'll avoid the other conversations that go along with it, like whether you think he's handsome or not.

12. If there was a teacher last year that was brand new and left for whatever reason, you will automatically be told about her, and be given a warning by the students that you'll probably be next.

13. You will always have more questions than answers. Even when you're the teacher and are supposed to have all the answers to their questions.

14. In order for any assignment to be taken seriously, no matter how small, there must be points tied to it. If you tell them they won't be handing it in, they will not do it.

15. If a student comes to you on the first day of school and asks if you want to be the journalism adviser, you should probably tell her no right away. Because it gets harder and harder every day you avoid it. And you can only tell her "keep me posted" for so long...

16. The best excuse for an issue students have with something concerning the school: "It's part of the new locked campus policy." Seriously, they love it when you pull that one out, especially when the complaint has nothing to do with the fact the doors are all locked for the duration of the school day.

17. Always do all your prep work with the same edition of the book your students will be reading. Because if you don't, you'll be really excited to have them read the preface and forward of a book only to find that their book doesn't have it. It's a bummer.

18. Get internet set up in your new apartment the very first day you move in. Because after a week and a half, your budget has taken quite the beating after having to buy coffee every time you need to plan lessons.

19. Somewhere on this list, I switched from first to second person. Normally, I would fix it. But I'm too tired, so I'm adknowledging the fact I suck tonight and moving on.

20. I am really, really loving being back in a regular classroom. It's been quite the adventure, and I'm only four days in.

Until next time.

Dear Friend

Dear friend/roommate/jerk/Isaiah,

I'm trying really hard not to be stupid, but it's not working. I miss you. Our apartment is half empty, it's stinking hot, and I know for the first night since I've been here, the futon across the room will not be occupied tonight.

Three months was not long enough. I don't actually think it was three months. Someone lied to us, cast a magic speed-up-time spell, because it was only a couple weeks ago that we loaded up my car and drove out here. We are still trying to recover from watching that horrible production in Spokane, and I just started teaching my summer courses. It's really only June.

I came home tonight, and you weren't sitting on the futon in our tiny, stupid apartment watching a TV show. Sadly, that is not the end of travesties I now have to deal with. There will be no one to drink half a gallon of milk in the first twenty-four hours of buying it. The dishes will not be washed regularly. I won't have anyone to tease me about tripping over cords or running into furniture. No one will roll their eyes when I tell them about what I heard on NPR. Who will I watch Harry Potter with over and over again (even if you rarely watched it, engrossed in something else on your iPad...)? I will have no judgmental looks to rebuke. And no one is as good at telling me when I'm being crazy as you are.

How dare you leave me with such gaping holes in my life!

But in all seriousness, thank you, my dear friend. Because without you here on this ridiculous, hard, wonderful, terrifying journey, I would not still be here. In all likeliness, I would have packed up my car and went home. Because this summer has been hard and lonely and stressful.

It has also been a summer to remember.

I know this is where you were supposed to be this summer, and I'm so glad it happened to be where I was supposed to be as well. And as hard as it was to drop you off at the airport today, I know you're once again where you're supposed to be. You will have an amazing four months back at college. (Let's hope it passes as fast as the past three months did, so you can hurry back in January...)

Long blog post short, thank you. For being my steadying affect, my taunter, my adventure buddy, my roommate, and my friend. I'm glad the summer worked out the way it did, our epic Isaiah and Kristin adventure.

Until next time you're in Seattle (or the phone call you'll suffer through), do your homework.

Summer Evening

Tonight was unexpectedly wonderful.

Not that every night spent with Dan and Isaiah aren't wonderful, but this one was sublime. The evening was spent on Dan's patio, watching him grill, drinking wine, eating good food, telling and listening to stories, eating ice cream cake, and existing.

Isaiah's current stint of time in Seattle is coming to an end in a week, leaving us behind to return for his final semester at Northwestern. I will be moving out of Seattle closer to my new job within the next two and a half weeks. Our summers are wrapping up, and the nostalgia is setting in.

There were multiple moments tonight when I found myself thinking, "This is what adulthood is," or "I know this is where I'm supposed to be right now," or "I can't believe this is my life." And I couldn't help but laugh, because it feels good. It feels really good.

With everything coming at me within the next few weeks as friends leave and arrive, school starts up, a move happens, it is good to have simple, relaxing moments where there is no pressing work to do and no stressful decisions to be made. Taking the time to be present in the room I'm in and with the people I'm with.

Life is good with wonderful friends, wine, stories, and cool summer evenings. And a late ice cream birthday cake doesn't hurt either.

Until next time.

Next Step: Real Job

I have a job. A real life, full time English teaching job. The dream job.

Praise the Lord! (or whatever deity you've been praying to for me, I thank them all, and you too!)

Here's the school's website: http://www.edline.net/pages/bsd403_gkhs

I interviewed for this position at Graham-Kapowsin High School yesterday morning. The panel interviewing me was two assistant principals and the two English department heads. Right away, they were joyful and kind and joking with me, which was so wonderful. I felt comfortable almost immediately, which is a really great sign for my upcoming year.

The school has a student body of approximately 1900 students, and is located about an hour south of Seattle, close to Olympia (the state capitol, for those of you who don't know). It is a very different atmosphere than where I student taught, but I am seeing that as a new challenge and adventure. From what I found out in the interview, I will be teaching 10th and 11th grade English classes, so that's pretty exciting.

Truthfully, I don't know much else about it. My grandma informed me that I didn't ask enough questions about benefits and such things, I told her that I'm 23 and don't think about such things.

For kicks and giggles, I will dictate the conversation I had with the Principal this afternoon:

Principal: Hello, this is (whatever his name is...) from Graham-Kapowsin HS. I wanted to call you and let you know I was very impressed with your interview yesterday, and we would like to offer you the position.
Me: Oh my goodness! Are you serious?! Thank you so much! (Much giggling and other embarrassing word vomit gushing) ...Okay, you go ahead and talk so I don't say anything else really embarrassing...
Principal: So, I am assuming you would like to accept the position?
Me: Yes! Of course!

So, there's that. Good thing that was my second impression and not the first... :)

In the next few weeks, I have a few days of training and professional development to do, and school starts on September 4th.

I am through the roof ecstatic, and so very, very blessed. I can not thank you all enough for the constant support and encouragement you have given me through the past few months. It has been rough, but you have all be wonderful. And I am beyond excited to get into a classroom!

Until next time, dear friends, thank you.

Home Ache

I quite literally have never been this homesick in my life.

Now, granted, I am not one to easily become homesick. I have passing aches for people I love, resolved by a phone call, a text message, quick facebook chat, or a card popped in the mail. In the past twenty-four hours, I have had all of those things with various loved ones, yet my homesickness lingers.

I don't like it. And I really don't know what to do about it. Being vulnerable with you here, somewhat consistent readers.

I feel trapped inside my own head. And it's scary in here.

This train of thought leading to a blog post was brought on by a tweet I just read, the gist of which said that being alone should never be a struggle.

I get the point this tweeter makes, alone time is valuable. As humans we need it, and as someone who used to be much more introverted than she is now, I understand how important being alone is.

But as someone who has spent the vast majority of her time for the past month in solitude, I have a gentle word of sorta-wisdom: alone time is wonderful, but loneliness is terrible. And until you have experienced long periods of both, you don't really understand that. At least I didn't.

When I was in college, I took a personality test that is quite accurate and fairly popular, the Myers-Briggs test. It asks a long list of questions and splits you into personality types that are surprising on point most of the time. When I took it as a sophomore, my introverted vs. extroverted score was barely onto the introverted side. So on a scale of zero to ten, five being dead center, I was a 4.75. I got energy from the people around me, but also needed time to gain energy on my own.

But looking back over the past four years, I've noticed something: consistency is not my strong suit when it comes to intro/extroversion. During the middle of a theatre production, for example, I needed that introverted side of me in order to function. But at times when I wasn't always in the middle of doing things, like during breaks, I craved my extroversion.

Right now is one of those times. I am not a very good introvert right now. At all. In fact, my forced introversion is slowly killing me.

Okay, maybe a bit melodramatic, but you get the point.

Every day, I spend on average five waking hours alone. Some days it is closer to two, some days it drags on into eight or nine hours doing solitary things. I go to a lot of coffee shops and read. I sit in parks. I watch TV. I clean. I wonder around junk stores. All lovely things to do recreationally, but not day in and day out.

I don't handle alone time very well. Ask my roommate, he's most likely terrified I'm going to jump out a window pretty soon. Although, I also think he gets a tiny bit of amusement watching me wander around the apartment like a psycho some days... He's just lucky I haven't started muttering incoherently to myself yet...

This month has been very difficult. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss having a history with more than two people in my life (although I am daily thankful for Isaiah and Dan, they have literally saved what sanity I still have). I have never wanted a hug so badly. I can't remember wanting my mom so much. It is miserable.

So, to address my twitter friend, enjoy the alone time. I hope, for your sake, that you have get to the point where alone time is quite literally the scariest thought besides death when you look at the day you have planned. And if you ever get to that point, I hope you figure a way out of it sooner than I have.

I know, in all actuality, it has not been as bad as it feels right now. It's all built up to where it feels like it's going to break. And that this is merely a phase, things go in cycles, and this too will pass. I know that, I really do. But seriously, can't it pass just a bit sooner. Would probably require a bit more pro-activity on my part... Which is a whole other scary reality I haven't come to terms with yet.

I'm just a bundle of rainbows and smiles right now, aren't I? I'm starting to irritate myself, so I'm going to just stop...

Until next time.

One Month

Isaiah and I have been in Seattle for one month! Woohoo!

On a different note, it is really super hot in Seattle.

Or maybe it's just really supper hot in our apartment. We are in the middle of the building, and our apartment has very little ventilation through the windows. That means when it's 70 degrees outside, it's pushing 90 in our apartment.

So, to remind myself of how good I have it despite no central air, I'm going to make a list of all the really wonderful things I have to be grateful for.

1. We went grocery shopping today. There is food in our apartment. Seriously, our cabinets were looking like the "Grapes of Wrath" up in here. Our fridge had spoiled milk, one potato, and a small hunk of cheese.

2. Laundry. We got quarters, so now I am doing laundry. I'm so excited to have my whole wardrobe clean again. Plus, the next load is sheets. Woot!

3. A nice cold bottle of hard cider. I hate beer, love hard cider. I am cycling through all the different kinds at Fred Meyer's (the West Coast version of Wal-Mart, but classier).

4. Princess Bride. It's on for back ground noise. The very best kind of back ground noise. Mary Poppins is next on the list.

5. A day in the park. We needed to get out of the apartment after grocery shopping, so we went and did work in the park. And by doing work, I mean that Isaiah read and I pretended to prep lesson plans.

6. Dick's Burgers. There is a drive-in burger joint that's local to Seattle, been here almost 60 years. It has super great burgers, fries, and ice cream for super cheap. We got two shakes, two burgers, fries, and a drink for less than $12. Amazing.

7. I hang out with some pretty great guys here. So, props to Dan and Isaiah.

8. Sending out another round of mail. I love sending mail, just as much, maybe more than, getting mail. I think I just like knowing someone is excited, if only for a day, after getting something fun in their mail box. A little treat.

9. Another day off. Mondays and Tuesdays are my weekend, thank goodness. I'm out of practice teaching every day, because after a Friday-Saturday-Sunday weekend of teaching, I'm exhausted.

10. I'm in Seattle. That should be enough, right?

Happy one month in Seattle to me and my awesome roommate. Seriously, so glad he's here with me, I'd be a basket case without him. And he knows it, so he can hold it over my head anytime he wants.

It's been a good month. And only one more month until our friends Shelby and Meghan should be out here with us! So exciting!

Until next time, friends.