Costume Crazy

What did I do in the week I've been silent?

Costumes.

Seriously, I feel like that's all I've done. Maybe it's a bit of an exaggeration.

Since Monday night, I have been at dress rehearsals. The first night I was super pumped to see my designs in action. It was fantastic! Lots of things to fix, but still fantastic! There are an extreame number of quick changes in this show, so lots of velcro had to be added.

I hate velcro. Nothing looks good with velcro holding it together. But, gotta do what you gotta do.

Changes were made, Tuesday came around. Not as many problems, but the problems that were there were repeats from the night before. Super frustrating. I felt very responsible for every mistake that was made, which was crazy. I couldn't help the fact the actor couldn't figure out how to put on a cape (that's what we call "an actor problem", or as it's been retitled in honor of the actor with the most problems in this show, "a Tiemen problem.") It really wasn't my fault the first round of velcro wasn't strong enough to hold. It really wasn't my fault the director told me to change a costume very last minute, a change that wasn't bad, but wasn't what I loved.

It sure felt like it was all my fault. Designing is one thing, but when you've been a part of the creating process as well, the pressure feels double.

So I left Tuesday night feeling very defeated and very alone. It hit me that all of the women I went to last year in times of trouble aren't here this year. When that support system is no longer in place, it doesn't feel good.

Until about seven tonight, I was melancholy. Then final dress started. There was an audience, there was energy, there were minimal costume issues. Still can't say I'm completely over my melancholy, but it's on the uphill swing.

I was about due for a mental breakdown anyway. Should have expected it. :)

But, God is faithful. Things will get better, and this problem won't look like such a big deal in a couple months. Just a little crazy now.

If it wasn't crazy, I'd probably be bored.

Until next time, deep breath.

Random Updates

If only I had some rose colored glasses. I'd be okay with a pink hued day. Better than the gray, gloomy one happening outside the window.

Fall has tried to come upon us far too soon. It's only the middle of September, we shouldn't be this cold yet.

I have very little to report, other than the dropping of temperatures.

I have a massive test tomorrow I've barely studied for. Should be a fun night.

My costume designs are so, so close to being done. And I'm very proud of them, they look great. I have a wonderful crew of people helping me build stuff. Very exciting.

I've had the great urge to write poetry lately, but very little has been written. And what has been isn't very good. Maybe someday.

Jackson got a hair cut. If you know him, you know why this is a big deal. If you don't know him, disregard this statement.

The soccer game is Christmas themed tonight. I'm very against this. No Christmas until after Thanksgiving.

Jen has chocolate kisses in her candy bowl. Made my morning sweeter.

I just volunteered to help with crowd control at the dance concert this weekend. Hopefully it's a decision I don't later regret.

My little brother gave me a funny look as we passed each other on the green. That's nothing new, but I thought I'd report anyway.

I really, really want to direct something. I miss directing. I miss having time to direct something.

It has been a really, really good week. I am truly blessed.

Until next time.

Lovely Moments

"I love writing. I love the swirl and swing of words as they tangle with human emotions." --James Michener

This was the loveliest weekend. Full of the loveliest people, the loveliest poems, the loveliest songs, the loveliest people. Did I say that last one twice? I love and am loved by the loveliest people. Lovely, lovely, lovely.

Do you have those moments when you're just sitting there, completely happy, when there is nothing else that could make the moment more perfect? I had that moment this afternoon. There were probably multiple moments throughout the lovely weekend, but this one still makes my heart happy.

We did music. Jackson brought his guitar, Hannah her voice, and the rest of us chimed in when possible. Keely joined in with her guitar after a bit; Dixie, Abby, and I were mainly audience members. It was lovely. Abby, Dixie, and I were lined up on the couch, contently enjoying the loveliness.

I love holding hands. Dixie and I held hands for the majority of music time. Something so simple, just our fingers intertwined, made me feel so incredibly loved. There was nothing else that could add to the moments the six of us shared this afternoon.

Before music, we shared words. Hannah read poems, Dixie read poems and short fiction pieces, I shared my short play. Words are so beautiful. A line in poem that someone I love wrote goes something like this: "I have words and you have words, so lets make a million ways to say I love you."

I think in many ways, that's what this afternoon was about. Through poems, stories, laughter, and songs, we made a million ways to say "I love you." Maybe that's why it was so close to perfection.

Until next time, how do you say "I love you"?

Language Barrier

I think there is something to be said for a lack of understanding. Still haven't quite figured out what is to be said about it, but there has to be something.

Yesterday some of the DME members left on campus visited the Ethiopian church again to worship with them. It was great. And there was a major language barrier. An hour of singing in a language you can't sing along with prohibits the act of worship we often think of. I found myself daydreaming, praying, and thinking, my mind often wandering from my prayers to daydreams or thoughts that I didn't know the origin of.

Then last night at the campus Sunday night Praise and Worship service, the same happened. Everything was in English then. What was my excuse for not being able to focus then? The language barrier could not be blamed -- in fact, at times I think I focused more on God when I couldn't understand what was going on.

So I am left wondering. How does my inability to focus hinder my worship? And has my focus gotten worse? Did Stevie's ADD rub off on me this summer more than I realize? Or is my heart just not in it, so my head finds it easier to wander? Because I couldn't understand what was going on in the morning worship, did I have to be more disciplined with my thoughts to keep them on God? I have no answers.

I told you there was something to be said about language barriers.

Maybe I just need to sleep more. A very real possibility. Can't remember the last time I was in bed before midnight. Everything is always in high speed, and has no sign of slowing down. Sometimes I feel like I barely have time to breathe. Hopefully at some point that will get better...

Such heavy blog topics the last few days. I'll work on that.

Until next time, where are you focusing?

Standing Still

I find myself standing still.

Not literally. I actually hardly stop moving.

I just feel like I'm standing still. Never making any headway, never moving towards a goal, never getting anywhere but where I already am or have been.

Stuck, like my feet are sunk down in the mud. And it's not a good kind of squishy mud. It's the sticky, slowly sinking mud.

I'm stagnant. It sucks. My heart longs for more, my spirit thirsty. But I can't move. Or I won't. I don't know which.

Maybe it's like in that story, the one where the man looks back at his footprints in the sand. At times he sees two sets, glad to know Jesus is walking by his side. Then he notices there is only one set, getting upset that Jesus left him. No, Jesus didn't leave him. Jesus was carrying him.

Perhaps Jesus is carrying me. If I am moving, I know it is not by my own means.

Is it pathetic that I feel guilty for making Him carry me? Maybe He doesn't mind. But it'd be nice to not need Him to carry me. Maybe I should be glad He cares enough to carry me in the first place.

I long for the day I can walk beside Him again.

Re-learned Lessons

College is all about learning. I'm two weeks in and I think my head is going to bust open. That may just be the sleep depravity talking, though. So here's a list of all the wonderful things I'm learning, re-learning, and wish I could forget.

1. When homework is concerned, libraries are terribly depressing places to spend one's time. Under a blanket fort in Hannah, Keely, and Abby's apartment is much more conducive to inspired homework.

2. Living in the apartments adds about two minutes onto my commute everywhere.

3. The less you do laundry, the more you wear dresses. Second day in a row, forth day this week.

4. Going barefoot is a far better option than shoes at this point in the year.

5. Charlie Brown is a bald 8 year old for a reason. In the 1950's, bald cartoons were associated with dopiness. The bald kid stuck around, the association did not, but we accept it as normal anyway.

6. Sometimes wandering around a fabric store is therapeutic. My costume designs are done, we start building on Monday!

7. Time spent with roommates is often times more important than doing homework, even if you're up doing homework until 2:00 in the morning after.

8. Worksheets are of the devil. As a senior in college, I shouldn't have to fill out worksheets to prove I'm doing the reading.

9. I'm not good at saying no. But I am pretty good at asking for help out of over-commitment.

10. Having a bedtime before 2:00 a.m. every night would be a positive life style change. It sucks.

11. Always ask the professor if the syllabus says an 8 page short story is due the next day but he hasn't mentioned it yet. Chances are, the syllabus is confusing and it's only being assigned the next day, not due. Then maybe you can go to bed earlier than 3:00.

12. I truly do love it here.

Until next time, what are you learning?