Dependent State

I have about three different blog posts whirling around in my head. But this is the one gnawing on my brain loudest, so I'm going to listen.

It's tax season. Interesting topic to bring up, considering how much most people dread taxes. Anyway, this year when I got my W2's, I asked my dad if I should bother filing this year. I would get a whopping hundred bucks, maybe. He said he'd just give me the hundred bucks, because he saves a whole lot more than that by claiming me as a dependent on his taxes. Cool, saves me the hassle and saves him some money.

The status of dependent is one that bugs me. Yes, last year I was dependent on him in many ways. And I am blessed to have a father who is willing to support me financially when that tuition bill came and my Chicago rent was due.

Now I've graduated, have a couple jobs. He can no longer claim me as a dependent for the 2013 year.

The problem: I don't really feel all that independent. I'm living at home. I don't have a car. I don't buy groceries. I don't pay rent.

The dream life, some say. Enjoy while it lasts, others tell me. How responsible of you, saving your money.

But for a young woman who has taken pride in the fact that I was the first in my family to graduate college and actually plan on doing something with my degree, this is not where I want to be. My mother and grandmother have been telling me for years to make sure I can support myself, to not rely on anyone else to do it.

Needless to say, this current state of dependency is getting old and will not last long.

This is when I get on my soap box. 

It is a well known fact that this country and the way it's set up tries to provide for those in need. I am in favor of social security benefits, medicare, and welfare -- when it is used properly and those who need the help receive the help. My problem comes when able bodied people take advantage of the funds needed by others. 

But what gets me even more frustrated is when I see it happening to people I love. It is admirable and wonderful if you have a family member willing to help you out. It is shameful and disrespectful to become so dependent on that family member that you are unwilling to get out of the situation you're in. And for family members who have hero complexes and want to help everyone, it is exhausting and frustrating. When a father has to worry about providing for his own children because he's been so stretched out by providing for the extended family, there is a very big problem.

Everyone hits hard times, and I think you should be able to ask for help. But when it is a one way street and repayment or even gratitude is never returned, something has to change. In a country where the 'American Dream' is still something people strive for, independence is the first step.

Getting a job, paying your own bills, saving a bit of money, cutting back on unnecessaries -- these are all things my parents had to do when they were young and just starting out. Yes, it was hard. Yes, they had to make some tough choices. Yes, they still have stretches of time when cutting back is needed. But they managed to provide for their family.

It's no coincidence that they are willing and able to help out the ones they love. I hope that I can someday follow that legacy. One willing to help when it's needed. But I also want to make sure I can tell people no, I can't  help you this time.

Because when you don't allow someone to figure it out on their own once in awhile, they will never try.

Until next time.

Story Fangirl

On this day of love, I was reminded of something I love. And it was my sister who put it a way I hadn't thought of before.

First, I feel like you should know a bit about Sara. She's fifteen and very much like me. Easy to laugh, kinda dorky, loves to read, is an artist, to name just a few. Obviously, I have a 7 year head start in the awesome department, but I think eventually she'll get pretty close to my level. She also has a tendency to easily become a 'fangirl,' i.e. someone who is captivated and gooshes about boys or something else they love.

Today, instead of staying home on Valentine's Day, we decided we would go to the movies and see "Beautiful Creatures." Good choice. We both loved it. I don't want to ruin it for you, so I won't get too far into it. Go watch it.

After the movie, I was gooshing about it, and Sara goes, "You're such a fangirl."

She wasn't wrong, exactly. See, earlier today, I also finished re-reading "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" with the intents of buying it on DVD today. I also gooshed quite a few times about both the book and movie. I was also gooshing about the preview for "Great Gatsby" we saw before the movie. You see, unlike a teenage girl, I'm not a fan girl over a boy band or actor. Oh no, mine goes much broader than that.

I'm a story fangirl.

Nothing gets me more excited than a good story. Medium in which that story is told matters little. I love a great book. Watching a story on film or on stage is great. Listening to a story on the radio or across the table from a friend is lovely. Walking through a museum and seeing story through art or history is wonderful. Even dreaming is a good way to enjoy a story.

There was a line in the movie (I won't be able to quote it exactly) where the main character was talking about his mother and her love of books. He said the library was her sanctuary, and her religion was the worship of ideas and thoughts. Now, in the movie it is said much more eloquently, but the idea struck me as beautiful.

I am drawn to story, to the odd thought or lovely idea. It is easy for me to stay up late reading (which is why I'm not allowing myself to start reading the "Beautiful Creatures" book that my sister bought tonight, I have a speech meet tomorrow morning). I may not agree with or believe in every thought or idea that is presented to me, but I love to read them and decide for myself.

I don't want to worship the concepts or ideas so much that I miss the meaning behind them or the God who inspired them, but isn't it lovely that we have a God that allows us to learn and discover and interpret things for ourselves? I only wish I had started doing such dangerous thinking sooner.

It was good for me to be reminded of how much I love a good story. Sometimes I get too busy to realize I'm leading a pretty good story, even if this current chapter seems a bit dull and repetitive.

Until next time.

Just Done

I’m afraid to type the words that have been swirling around in my head. They’ve been there, in bits and pieces, for quite a while. And they don’t make much sense. At least not in a logical, ‘this is what I should be thinking and feeling’ kind of way. 

I think I’m just tired of biting my tongue. It feels raw and swollen. And to think that a lot of these words trace back to facebook. 

I’m tired. Tired of seeing Jesus posts, facebook prayers, shared scripture passages that tie into a political or social issue. I feel the same way about Jesus bumper stickers, Christian t-shirts, billboards that tell people they’re going to hell, and protest signs held by those claiming Jesus’ love. 

I’m tired. And frustrated. And angry. And done. Just done. 

Because what that’s doing, posting cookie cutter thoughts and believes shared by 10,000 other people isn’t helping anyone’s cause. It isn’t bringing new converts to Christianity by scripture on pictures of shepherds and mountains. It is highly unlikely that anyone is reading a facebook wall or bumper sticker and experiencing their turning moment. Now, I didn’t say impossible, but highly unlikely. 

What I see happening is the exact opposite. I see that picture of a lion and a lamb and roll my eyes, keep scrolling, and swear in my head. Because it isn’t reminding me of God and His great love for me. It is reminding of a lot of surface thick conversations and weak expressions of devotion to a God who I don’t understand. It is reminding me of friends who have been hurt, family who has been shamed, and people who have been turned away from God’s love because of the people who follow Him. 

It’s turning me off. Making me run the other direction. 

Because I don’t want my worship of the Almighty to be weak, watered down, or stale. I don’t want my life verse to be the same one as every other person’s in the world. “For I know the plans I have for you.” “Faith is being sure of what you hope for.” “For God so loved the world.” 

I want my love and my worship to mean something. 

And the scariest part? 

I have no fucking clue what that looks like. And that scares the living shit out of me. 

I want to take what I’ve been told my whole life and throw it out the window. Because what I grew up learning and what I heard in church and what I studied in college is not matching up to the needs that I see around me. 

Because the Christian love I see around me is not the kind of love I want to share. I don’t want to love people on a contingency plan of what they believe. It is not for me to declare myself above someone because I have never had pre-marital sex. I will not blame a woman for choosing to get an abortion when it is her choice to make. I cannot pass judgment on anyone because they drink or smoke pot. I won’t tell a young boy he can’t be a boy scout for any reason. I cannot stop loving my friend because she loves and is committed to beautiful and intelligent woman who loves her back.

I will not hold back my love because I do not want love held back from me. 

I know that I am capable of loving because I was loved first. But it is impossible for me to imagine that kind of love. It is not feasible to me how the creator of the universe cares how I feel and think. But I know He does. 

And I know without a doubt that He feels the exact same way about every single person on this earth – straight, gay, drunk, sober, slut, educated, poor, wealthy, dirty, clean, whatever. 

If He can love everyone, truly love them for who they are, why can’t we? 

And for the love of God, can we please express our love in a way that doesn’t clutter up my facebook wall? 

Until next time.

22.5

I can’t help but think there is so much

More

That in my 22.5 years I’ve done so very

Little

And my biggest fear is not merely

Dying

But the thought that I’m not really

Living

I want to drift off course in a hot air

Balloon

I want to dip my toes in the salty

Ocean

I want to get lost in a dense

Forest

I want to sleep under the

Stars

I want to spend all day surrounded by

Books

I want to drive with no real

Destination

I want to lay in bed with someone held

Close

I want to whisper secrets that hang around my

Head

I want to feel like I’m grounded and flying during a

Kiss

I want to smile at every person I see on a

Bus

I want to travel a great distance by

Train

I want to send everyone I know a

Letter

I want my big gestures to be

Appreciated

I want my little gestures to be

Cherished

I want to stand out in a

Crowd

I want to fade into the

Background

I want someone to hold my

Hand

I want to know without doubt what I

Believe

I want to live without fear of

Dying

I want to die without regret of not

Living

So that in another 22.5

Years

I will see all I’ve done and

Smile

All the while creating a list for the next 22.5

Years.