I've had this poem ruminating in my head since fifth period today. It's about a very special student of mine that was having a particularly tough day today. G.T. is one of those students who always, always makes my day better. He struts into class, typically a little late, with a wide grin on his face. He's a little rough, but not as rough as he'd like everyone to think. G.T. loves football, hates reading, and really likes to tease girls. His grin always makes me smile, and during fifth period, I need anything I can get to smile.
Today was different. So different that I wrote a poem about him.
I could tell
something was wrong when you didn’t smile
You always
share your smile with me
It’s the
highlight of fifth period
But today
there was no smile
No wandering
around the room
No teasing
the girls near you
No smile
I needed
that smile
Partially for
me
But mostly
for you
I’ve never
felt anger in a body the way you carry it around
Square shoulders
of a fifteen year old
Muscles tight
and tense
As if it was
taking every iota of restraint
To keep you
from exploding into pieces
You kept
your eyes on the ground
Asking if
you could go to the restroom
At first I told
you no
Following classroom
rules
But pulling
you aside by the door
Asking what
was going on
You said
nothing
That you
were fine
I didn’t
believe you
Asking if
you needed to talk
You said no
That it
could only be resolved by action
Red flags
went off in my head
I stood in
front of the door
Keeping your
focus
Telling you that nothing is worth that much trouble
The kind of
trouble that would get you kicked out or arrested
That would
keep me from seeing you every day
Because I don’t
have very many days left
And I would
hate to miss one single day of seeing you
You glanced
up
Seeing if I was
serious
I held eye
contact reassuring you
Telling you
how important you are to me
You glanced
up again
Checking to
see if I was still serious
Like you
didn’t believe me
I smiled
You didn’t
But you did
look relieved
When I told
you I was here to talk if you needed me
I let you go
to the bathroom
Said I expected
you back in ten minutes
You nodded
and left the room
Shoulders a
little less squared
I returned to
the class
Three minutes
later so did you
You didn’t
smile before the bell rang
But a couple
periods later in the hall
I saw a
smile
And I needed
that smile
But not as
much as you did
Today was a rough day. During forth period, the freshmen lunch period, there were four fights in roughly forty-five minutes. Two were in the lunch room, two in a couple classrooms. Tension is running high at Kelvyn Park. The blood split on the streets of Chicago this past week is leaking into the halls. It makes teaching very hard and learning almost impossible.
The final project for the unit I designed is about issues they see in the community or school and suggestions for improvement. At least three groups in all five periods are talking about gangs and/or violence.
I am becoming more and more aware of how blessed my life is here. Yes, I'm hours away from many friends and family, I have almost no money, I'm stressed beyond belief. But a thirty minute bus ride and I leave behind the issues those kids have to go home to.
Because as much as people want to separate home from school, what happens at one has a direct impact on the other. If a kid can't sleep because there are gun shots happening in the park down the block from his house, he's going to have a shitty day in school. When a kid's mom bought drugs instead of groceries that week, she's not going to be able to focus in second period.
And the worst part? I can do virtually nothing. Encouragement and smiles are about all I can give them, and even those they have to be willing to take. It's hard. Really, really hard.
It's a good thing it's Friday. I'm tired, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. And yet I'm still awake.
Until next time.
