Passive Problems

I have a problem being passive. At least in certain situations. Let me explain.

I will avoid unnecessary confrontation until the cows come home, but the minute someone tries to step on me or someone I love, they will hear about it. Unless the person saying will hurt me. Like I said, avoiding unnecessary pain, which in some cases is the same as confrontation.

However, my lack of being able to handle passivity is quite evident in other ways. Like my inability to stay home all day without wanting to jump out of the window. I go stir crazy, like I'm wasting away my life. Also, I hate just waiting for things to happen. Filling out job applications has been super hard for me, because once I hit submit, it's completely out of my hands.

I would much rather go out, make mistakes, screw some things up, have adventures, and then come home and relax knowing I did something with my day, even if it wasn't super productive.

Maybe that's why the saying I saw on my facebook wall hit my eyes weird and made red flags go off in my head. I love the person who posted it dearly, she has always been one of the most loving and encouraging women in my life, and has helped me through some major growing pains. This is not a blast on her, or anyone else who connects with the phrase. This is me working it out, nothing more.

The phrase I'm referring to is "Let go and let God." I can see the appeal. When we let go of our struggles and worries, we let God take over. It's easier, less stressful, and He obviously knows what's best for us.

But I can't seem to let my brain be okay with that, or my soul, I guess. That mindset is far, far too passive for me.

Now, you may be saying, "Kristin, dearest, you are about as far from practicing faith as you can get. The only way you could put more distance between you and organized religion is by being a blasphemous heathen worshiping Satan. You aren't the most proactive person when it comes to your faith."

You'd be right. I'm not. And I'm cool with it, as is God. He knows I'll come around better than I do, I just have to figure out my own path back. For some reason, I'm pretty sure I'm on it, and I'm not in too big of a hurry. So label me disturbed or problematic or whatever, I'm fine with it.

What I'm not fine with is the idea of loosing all control or say in my life. That's the reason why I stayed away from drinking for so long, and the reason I know my limits and don't push them. I don't like the feeling of being out of control, of not knowing what I'm doing or where I'm going or why I'm there.

And God knows that about me. He knows I will never be able to just let go. And I think He's okay with that. I don't think He's a God who wants His strings controlling my every move. He is not a marionette, and I don't want to make Him into one.

God has given us our own heads and our own hearts because He knows we learn far better from our mistakes than we do from words on a page. He knows that through all the twists and turns my feet take me, all roads in my life will eventually lead to Him.

I don't need to let go and let God because He hasn't let go of me.

Now, I may take myself down some wrong roads, have to make some u-turns, have to burn a few bridges, and start deciphering the map for myself -- no, I will have to do all of those things. That is not an if-than statement.

I think God's cool with that. I have no Biblical proof of such a fact. In fact, not even sure where my Bible is at the moment. I also think God's cool with that.

And I applaud all of you who are able to 'let go and let God.' I think that's great for you. But I know that's not something I'm ready to do right now. Maybe it's because I'm young and idealistic, or maybe I'm just too stubborn. But right now, I'm going to keep holding on, making decisions for me.

Selfish? Oh, definitely. Foolish? Possibly. Right? Eh, gray area.

Besides, I don't want to live my life and look back and see only days I stayed home in bed all day and watched movies. Or the equivalent of such days in terms of decisions.

My inability to handle being passive is my issue to deal with, or not deal with, as the case may be. And I'm not really sure why I felt the need to blog about it. But I did, and here it is.

Until next time, let go. Or don't. Whatever.

NYC Haze

I'm not going to take a whole lot of time to blog about my time in NYC the past week. I've been awake since 6:00 East Coast time, which means 3:00 West Coast time, so I'm exhausted. But I wanted to share the poem I wrote in the taxi ride to the airport today and show you a couple pictures. I'll blog more about it within the next few days.

Hazy Memories

My last look at you is one
Shrouded in fog,
Outlines barely visible from
The Manhattan bridge
As I head to the airport.
And while a clear sunny last look
Would have been prefered,
Maybe even secretly hoped for,
I can't help but think it's fitting.
What I saw of you the past few days
Was no more than vague outlines.
I experienced so much in the past four nights,
But the scratch to the surface was
Barely enough to discolor your thick city skin.
The beautiful scars you left on me
Will have to be enough for both of us.
And without a clear last look,
I will have to both hold tightly
To your city scape in my mind's eye,
And adknolwedge the fact that this is not
Goodbye for us, New York. 

Until next time.

Pike's Place Market

This morning I felt like I was transported back to the London markets. And as much as I would love to be back walking through Piccadilly Market, it was a pretty awesome realization that I was walking through Seattle's Pike's Place Market.

It was a busy place to be, which we expected. Isaiah was annoyed by the people who would just stop in front of him, but that's market life. Lots of people, lots of things to look at. It was dizzying. But really exciting.

Seattle has a really neat vibe. I can't put it into words yet, but give me a couple more weeks and hopefully I'll be able to articulate what it feels like. I can't wait until I don't feel like a tourist anymore. Sadly, after only four days, it's likely going to be awhile until I can say that.

Until then, I'll enjoy my tourist feelings. And go back to Pike's Place and figure out where they throw the fish.

Catch-up Journey

It has been a ridiculous amount of time since my last blog, which is crazy considering I've actually been on some journeys lately! Since my last blog, I have graduated college, started training for my summer job, watched my best friend get married, and...oh yeah, MOVED TO SEATTLE!

So here I am, on an actual Moon Journey. For the first time in awhile, my blog title actually fits. Amazing. My waiting period has concluded, and here I am, sitting in my teeny-tiny Seattle studio that I share with Isaiah, watching Harry Potter, and avoiding some make-up training I have to do.

Setting has changed, habits have not. Imagine that.

What the adventure Isaiah and I have been on the past week. How about some pictures? Sounds fun, right? Right!

First of all, a picture of the bridal party I was a part of last Sunday afternoon:

Ashlee and I couldn't help but be best friends, it was in our genes. Our mothers have been best friends since middle school, there was no way around us becoming like sisters to each other. It was a beautiful wedding, and a really great day. And the best part, my best friend got to marry her best friend. Plus, there was dancing. I love dancing. Not that I'm any good at it, but still.

The next day, I drove to Sioux City and picked up Isaiah. Sadly, I have no pictures of this. That's okay, I have a picture of us in my drive way the morning of our departure:

We decided our journey would be "Wizard of Oz" themed, considering my car's name is Dorothy. So our GPS became Toto, I was the Scarecrow (trust me, at times it seemed like I didn't have a brain), and Isaiah was the Tinman (he likes to pretend like he doesn't have a heart, but in all actuality, it's pretty wonderful, if not slightly sarcastic and a little grumpy sometimes). Our journey consisted of meeting up with the Cowardly Lion, our friend Dan, in the Emerald City, aka Seattle. What an interesting journey it turned out to be.

Our first day took us through a chunk of Nebraska and into South Dakota, ending in the Black Hills at Mount Rushmore:

It was really neat, but in all actuality, a little silly. What a grandiose form of patriotism. I won't lie, not the most patriotic person in the U.S. Not that I don't like living here, but I figure there are enough people overly patriotic to make up for my lack of waving a U.S. flag around proudly. The idea of carving giant Presidents' faces into a mountain seriously brought up the thought, "Only in the U.S..." Eh, whatever floats South Dakota's boat. I'm glad we went though, it was neat.

Day two started with a visit to another group of people carving a face into the mountain, this time it's Crazy Horse, and he's not yet finished. When he is, Crazy Horse will be so big that all four of Mt. Rushmore's faces will fit into his long flowing hair. Crazy big Horse.

We made it out of South Dakota, through a corner of Wyoming (super boring corner, by the way), and into Montana. We loved our drive through Montana. It is so beautiful there.

Those are mountains behind those clouds. Neat, right? The only problem with driving through mountains? Our ears hated us.

On day three we made it out of Montana, though the panhandle of Idaho, and into Washington.

It was very rainy when we got to Idaho. Isaiah wouldn't get out of the car, so this was taken through the windshield.

We stopped for the night in Spokane, Washington, a city my brother loves from his visit a few years ago. He suggested going to a really neat coffee shop called Atticus, based on the novel "To Kill a Mockingbird." Super cool coffee shop. We also saw a really, really terrible play at the Spokane Falls Community College. Seriously, awful. We felt so bad for hating it so much.

The next morning we made the final four and a half hour trek to our destination: Seattle. We were a little surprised by what central Washington looks like, not at all what our expectations were, but beautiful nonetheless.

Once we got to Seattle, we didn't actually take any pictures. Crazy, right? Once I clean our apartment again, I'll take some pictures maybe.

So far, we have seen a really fun play at the theatre Isaiah has his internship at, hung out with Dan a couple times, moved in, unpacked, and done all that fun stuff. Then I had to dive into online training again, and Isaiah got sucked into "Dr. Who." He's half way through season two after two mornings and early afternoons of hanging out while I trained. I told him to go do something fun, but he insists that watching TV shows on his Ipad is fun. Whatever.

We haven't done much exploring of Seattle yet, but we will have time for that eventually. Right now, it's just exciting to be here. And I'm so glad I'm here with Isaiah, he's a pretty great friend and roommate. So far, at least.

I have so much to do tonight, yet watching Harry Potter seems like so much more fun. Seriously, I have tomorrow to pack, right? I mean, it's not like packing for New York City will be hard, right?

Yeah, sure.

Until next time, take a journey. I know I will!