Slow Summer

I find myself back in Orange City.

I went home, I promise. Summer class just brought be back less than two weeks later.

It's been a pretty quiet summer so far, unless you ask my parents. Having four kids in  the house again means the volume levels have risen about ten decibels. We tend to be quite loud when in large group situations, if you count all four of us a large group. My parents probably do...

I have been  doing homework, sleeping, spending time with friends and family, watching TV. In other words, not being terribly productive in real life terms. It's kinda driving me nuts. I just haven't had the umph to figure out what to do all the time. I staying busy enough for now, I guess.

Summer is strange. Going home is strange. Maybe I'm the strange one. I don't know. It hasn't been the most exciting transition. Someone told me yesterday that there has to be boring times so we recognize the exciting ones. I guess it's true.

On the positive note, I've been reading a lot of good plays for my summer class. That's been fun. Doing the homework, not so much. I didn't anticipate how hard it would be to get my brain to keep doing homework once summer started. Not easy. Not easy at all. It's protesting all the way. But the class is done on Friday, so I think I can survive that long. We shall see.

Until next time.

Dragging Feet

I still haven't left Orange City. The plan was to get out of town on Monday. And here it is, Wednesday. Still here. Still wishing I didn't have to leave. Two weeks ago, I was dreaming of running away.

What the heck changed?

Motives. And circumstances, I suppose.

For the last month of school, all I was focused on was the senior show and getting the hell out of there. Now, I have no more classes to hate (all those B's and C's are another sad, sad story), I am done dealing with roommate stuff, I have wrapped up my theatre responsibilities. I have nothing left here to hate doing.

And now I don't want to leave. Typical.

I have spent the last few days being present. We have done nothing extraordinary or terribly exciting -- in fact, it's been rather boring at times -- but I was doing it with some amazing people. We have gone to lots of movies, read some plays, spent time in the sun, laid out under the stars.

And these are the people I don't want to leave. Not because there aren't people I love at home, but it's different. These are the people I have been growing with the past four years. They come from a common experience, understand why I am the way I am right now. We have jokes, stories that we've all been a part of. That's what I'm going to miss.

It hit me hardest yesterday. We had finished playing music in the theatre and I had to go back and get my purse. I knew exactly what lights to turn on, knew exactly where to walk to avoid running into curtains and walls in the dark. That building had been my home for the past four years. And it doesn't really belong to me anymore, not in the same sense.

I can always come back as an alum, think about my glory days, remember. But it's never going to be the place where I do homework until 4 in the morning. I will never have a reason to shuffle through the costume racks looking for a costume. I won't need to remember to plug in the ice machine in the green room. It won't be necessary for me to track down headset cords or find boxes that work. I won't be making any more phone calls to my friends who are late for rehearsal.

For the last four years, my identity has been tied to that building, those playing spaces, those light booths, that costume shop, the corner office with windows, the lobby with uncomfortable couches.

Now, I have to find a new identity. Scary.

So I've been dragging my feet, avoiding the unavoidable. Today I'm going home. To a home that hasn't really felt like home in a long time. My summer is still unplanned, my friends scattered in places I won't be, and my ties to this place stretched farther than I would like. My heart is aching for what I'm leaving.

I am trying to look ahead, but I don't know what's coming. There is nothing that is clear about the next three months to look forward to, and that makes it all the easier to look back. I know that whatever I end up doing will be good, and that I will find love and joy there. So that's what I'm trying to focus on. The upcoming moon journeys.

Until next time.

Senior Wrap-Up

I am finished. On Tuesday. My last tests were taken, my papers turned in. My college career is coming to an end. If you don't include student teaching. I don't, at least not now. It seems too different from what I've been doing.

It has been a crazy couple of weeks. We pulled off the senior show with success, at least on our terms of success. We made people laugh, we had fun, we broke a rehearsal bed. That was funny. Nine people probably shouldn't try and sit on a bed together.

I also stayed up late on Friday night and wrote a play. Then I  stayed up most of the day Saturday and directed another play. Drop Dead Theatre. The name is fitting.

GIRL

I stopped writing in my journal. I would date the top of the page, but never write anything. My life appeared to have disappeared into blank pages. Instead, I listened. She talked a lot. She talked about things that she loved, like books and words and places she wants to go. She read me poems. 

Mostly, I have just been hanging out, packing my things, watching movies, spending time with people I love. It has been a good couple of weeks. Hard. Really hard. The end of school is hard work.  

This weekend is more hang out time. I get to watch my class graduate without me (I'm still a bit bitter). I get to see a dear friend who has been in Oman. I get to be present. 

Until next time.