Home Ache

I quite literally have never been this homesick in my life.

Now, granted, I am not one to easily become homesick. I have passing aches for people I love, resolved by a phone call, a text message, quick facebook chat, or a card popped in the mail. In the past twenty-four hours, I have had all of those things with various loved ones, yet my homesickness lingers.

I don't like it. And I really don't know what to do about it. Being vulnerable with you here, somewhat consistent readers.

I feel trapped inside my own head. And it's scary in here.

This train of thought leading to a blog post was brought on by a tweet I just read, the gist of which said that being alone should never be a struggle.

I get the point this tweeter makes, alone time is valuable. As humans we need it, and as someone who used to be much more introverted than she is now, I understand how important being alone is.

But as someone who has spent the vast majority of her time for the past month in solitude, I have a gentle word of sorta-wisdom: alone time is wonderful, but loneliness is terrible. And until you have experienced long periods of both, you don't really understand that. At least I didn't.

When I was in college, I took a personality test that is quite accurate and fairly popular, the Myers-Briggs test. It asks a long list of questions and splits you into personality types that are surprising on point most of the time. When I took it as a sophomore, my introverted vs. extroverted score was barely onto the introverted side. So on a scale of zero to ten, five being dead center, I was a 4.75. I got energy from the people around me, but also needed time to gain energy on my own.

But looking back over the past four years, I've noticed something: consistency is not my strong suit when it comes to intro/extroversion. During the middle of a theatre production, for example, I needed that introverted side of me in order to function. But at times when I wasn't always in the middle of doing things, like during breaks, I craved my extroversion.

Right now is one of those times. I am not a very good introvert right now. At all. In fact, my forced introversion is slowly killing me.

Okay, maybe a bit melodramatic, but you get the point.

Every day, I spend on average five waking hours alone. Some days it is closer to two, some days it drags on into eight or nine hours doing solitary things. I go to a lot of coffee shops and read. I sit in parks. I watch TV. I clean. I wonder around junk stores. All lovely things to do recreationally, but not day in and day out.

I don't handle alone time very well. Ask my roommate, he's most likely terrified I'm going to jump out a window pretty soon. Although, I also think he gets a tiny bit of amusement watching me wander around the apartment like a psycho some days... He's just lucky I haven't started muttering incoherently to myself yet...

This month has been very difficult. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss having a history with more than two people in my life (although I am daily thankful for Isaiah and Dan, they have literally saved what sanity I still have). I have never wanted a hug so badly. I can't remember wanting my mom so much. It is miserable.

So, to address my twitter friend, enjoy the alone time. I hope, for your sake, that you have get to the point where alone time is quite literally the scariest thought besides death when you look at the day you have planned. And if you ever get to that point, I hope you figure a way out of it sooner than I have.

I know, in all actuality, it has not been as bad as it feels right now. It's all built up to where it feels like it's going to break. And that this is merely a phase, things go in cycles, and this too will pass. I know that, I really do. But seriously, can't it pass just a bit sooner. Would probably require a bit more pro-activity on my part... Which is a whole other scary reality I haven't come to terms with yet.

I'm just a bundle of rainbows and smiles right now, aren't I? I'm starting to irritate myself, so I'm going to just stop...

Until next time.

One Month

Isaiah and I have been in Seattle for one month! Woohoo!

On a different note, it is really super hot in Seattle.

Or maybe it's just really supper hot in our apartment. We are in the middle of the building, and our apartment has very little ventilation through the windows. That means when it's 70 degrees outside, it's pushing 90 in our apartment.

So, to remind myself of how good I have it despite no central air, I'm going to make a list of all the really wonderful things I have to be grateful for.

1. We went grocery shopping today. There is food in our apartment. Seriously, our cabinets were looking like the "Grapes of Wrath" up in here. Our fridge had spoiled milk, one potato, and a small hunk of cheese.

2. Laundry. We got quarters, so now I am doing laundry. I'm so excited to have my whole wardrobe clean again. Plus, the next load is sheets. Woot!

3. A nice cold bottle of hard cider. I hate beer, love hard cider. I am cycling through all the different kinds at Fred Meyer's (the West Coast version of Wal-Mart, but classier).

4. Princess Bride. It's on for back ground noise. The very best kind of back ground noise. Mary Poppins is next on the list.

5. A day in the park. We needed to get out of the apartment after grocery shopping, so we went and did work in the park. And by doing work, I mean that Isaiah read and I pretended to prep lesson plans.

6. Dick's Burgers. There is a drive-in burger joint that's local to Seattle, been here almost 60 years. It has super great burgers, fries, and ice cream for super cheap. We got two shakes, two burgers, fries, and a drink for less than $12. Amazing.

7. I hang out with some pretty great guys here. So, props to Dan and Isaiah.

8. Sending out another round of mail. I love sending mail, just as much, maybe more than, getting mail. I think I just like knowing someone is excited, if only for a day, after getting something fun in their mail box. A little treat.

9. Another day off. Mondays and Tuesdays are my weekend, thank goodness. I'm out of practice teaching every day, because after a Friday-Saturday-Sunday weekend of teaching, I'm exhausted.

10. I'm in Seattle. That should be enough, right?

Happy one month in Seattle to me and my awesome roommate. Seriously, so glad he's here with me, I'd be a basket case without him. And he knows it, so he can hold it over my head anytime he wants.

It's been a good month. And only one more month until our friends Shelby and Meghan should be out here with us! So exciting!

Until next time, friends.