Senior Chaos

The senior class is putting on a show. It opens on Wednesday night. People keep asking how it's going.

Chaos.

Fun chaos, but chaos nonetheless. It's pretty much decided that it's going to be an hour of inside jokes. That's what happens when a group of seniors so close to being done decides to put together 'performance pieces' centering around the last four years in the department.

Chaos.

We have spent a couple hours the last two weeks looking back on our careers at NWC theatre. There is a whole lot of stuff we've done. Averaging 4 main stage shows a year, not to mention the one acts, student projects, and who knows what else -- it's amazing we're still alive.

Then again, we still have a crazy week ahead of us.

I think it will be a good cap on our senior year. This year has been rough for all of us, all in different ways. We are remembering the highs, remembering the lows, digging up the angst, laughing a lot.

In about five minutes we are meeting to get back at it. Back to the chaos, remembering I need to have fun. It's a celebration. However, we need to have it pulled together enough that everyone can enjoy celebrating with us, not just laugh at how ridiculous we're being. Then again, they can probably laugh at that too.

Reminding Words

I have been reminded.

"Most beautiful things are reckless in some way...for the possibility that it is all for nothing."  --Jonathan Safran Foer, author of Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close 

"A pencil disappears with use -- and so does an artist."  --Jonathan Safran Foer 

"Embrace the lines, the drips, the mistakes."   --David Diaz, illustrator

"It is creatively stunting to spend time solely in a homogenous community."   --Craig Thompson, author of graphic novel Blankets 

"No one's story is their own -- they are all stroking and brushing up against eveyone else's story." --Craig Thompson

"Art argues for connection, which is why it is often marginalized in our society."  --Jamaal May, poet

"Poems should be revised and recrafted for a reader, or it just stays a journal writing."   --Susanna Childress, poet

"If you want to go fast, go alone; if you want to go far, go together."  --African proverb

"I thought about joining the circus before joining the church. Then I found out it wasn't much different."  --Shane Claiborne, author of Irresistible Revolution

"Fiction is how we make sense of the space we find ourselves in."  --Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, author of Purple Hibiscus

I have been reminded.

I have been reminded of words. Why I love them. What makes the powerful. How to use them. I have been reminded.

Until next time.

explicable magic

today i learned something

something that made me think of her

my great grandma allen was magic

still is if magic sticks around when we don’t

it was a kind of magic that was easily explained

that was easily shrugged off

easily joked about

especially by her

it was a magic that followed her

rain clouds followed her

but not in a bad way

these were not sad clouds

they were not sent to depress

but to bless

these rain clouds followed her

coming with her from iowa to nebraska

every time she visited our farm

it would rain

she would laugh

tell my dad it was a gift for him

it was a gift for all of us

of course as a child

i was more interested in the other gifts

like hostess cakes and waffle cookies

time spent with grandma allen

learning new card games

watching home and garden channel

it is only now that the magic

those beautiful days of rain

stand out as something special

i learned something in science class today

something that made me think of her

weather travels from the east

bringing rain or fair skies with it

some things are easily explained

but i like to remember them as magic

Desk Standing

"I stand on my desk to remind myself that we must look at the world in a different way...you must strive to find your own voice, because if you wait too long, you may never find it." 
                         -Dead Poet's Society

I have decided that I'm going to try and look at the world differently than yesterday. Here is how:

-I am going to forget about the Theology test I took yesterday. It's done, there is nothing I can do but try harder next time.
-I am going to be positive about how much of my Biology study guide I have done, not focus on what I have left except to finish it. I will study hard and do well on that test Wednesday.
-I am going to remind the people I love that I love them. That they can do do this. That it will get easier.
-I am going to teach people how to give a "barbaric yelp."
-I am going to savor the time I have, whether it is laughing with friends or doing homework. It is precious. I don't have much left here.
-I am going to look at this summer's unknown factors and be positive about them. No matter where I end up, I can do good work.
-I am going to find my voice. And I won't be ashamed of it. 
-I am going to keep looking forward. One step at a time. One word at a time. One smile at a time.

Until next time, stand on a desk.

Apathy

I don't remember ever feeling this much apathy for what I'm doing...

...or not doing, as the case may be.

There are 26 days until graduation. Not that I am graduating, it still seems to apply to me. I won't be back on campus next year, so it feels the same. At least I think it does.

I'm just tired. Tired of being at college. Tired of going to classes. Tired of not caring about my classes. Tired of not sleeping well. Tired of drama that is going on. Just tired.

Yet, in the midst of the crappy apathy, there are moments of gold that I am trying to hold close. Moments with friends. Hours spent in laughter and rants before bed. Playful teasing exchanged. Watching my friends rock what they are working on. Secretly enjoying the terrible musical theatre soundtrack they all love. Working on the senior show. Learning something new about someone I've spent so much time with.

I suppose that's life. Finding the little shinny bits in the murky muck of everything else. I'll try and keep that in mind after I take my theology test I've barely studied for in half an hour.

It's amazing how we grow tired of somewhere when it comes to the time to leave. God works that way, I guess. He knows it would be hard for me to leave here otherwise.

Until next time.

Looking for Sunshine

In the last two hours, I have written three poems. One about a bike. One about a dress. One about lilacs. All about sunshine, smiles, and friends. I'll share the one about a dress, sunshine, smiles, and a friend. This one is for you, Dixie, with lots and lots of love.

Looking for Sunshine and Magic

I went in search of sunshine
Because I was chilled from the shade
And I didn't wear pants.
But the sun is hard to come by when it is setting,
It tends to make more shadows than I would like.
But I found some on a patch of grass
Surrounded by tulips blooming too soon.
And as I flick bugs off my bare legs,
I smile.

Because wearing dresses reminds me of you.
And even though you've never seen this dress,
I know you'd like it.

The cool April wind is trying to tempt me inside,
But as cold as my fingers get while holding this pen,
These words seem important.
I don't think they are brilliant words,
Nor will they change lives,
But they are important to me
And I hope they are meaningful to you.

They are words to remind you of your magic.
The magic I think you sometimes forget,
The magic I feel when we talk,
The magic I read in your words.
Because you are full of it.

And I don't mean that in the bad way,
Like when I tell people they are full of shit.

You know who you are,
You know who you love,
You know what you believe,
You know how to follow your dreams.

And that, my friend, is magic.
Not everyone has that kind of magic.

So those are my words,
Simple, yes, but true.
And as my patch of sun disappears,
I hope you remember.  

Until next time, go looking for sunshine. You never know what you'll find.

Good Friday

My Good Friday To Do List:

-Laundry
-Mop
-Write paper
-Nap
-Watch Isaiah wash dishes
-Clean room
-Vacuum
-Spectrum

I got everything but writing my paper and taking a nap done. Pretty productive day, but not really in the way I needed it to be in terms of school. Oh well, that happens.

My Easter break hasn't gone how I expected. I got sick, so going home became a bad idea. Instead, I have been hanging out with friends, having Maundy Thursday feasts, watching lots of movies, pretending to be productive. It's been a good break so far, if I don't count feeling lousy.

Up next? Probably another movie and a nap that turns into sleeping most of the night. I'm tired after a long day of cleaning and working on finishing up Spectrum. I'm ready for that project to get printed so I don't have to deal with drafts and edits and such things anymore. Blah.

I know nothing else too exciting. Not sure that this was exciting or blog worthy, but I'm posting it anyway. Not everything can be deep thoughts or poetry.

Until next time, maybe I'll come up with something better to say.