African Anxiousness

In 12 hours, I'll be in a plane heading towards D.C. In 24 hours, DME will hopefully be wrapping up an evening of rehearsals. In 36 hours, we'll be on our way to Africa.

Yikes.

I'm starting to freak out. My bags are packed, my room is clean. I have to be awake at 4:00 to get ready for the drive to Omaha. I should be winding down. Sadly, my bed time the last three weeks has been 1:00 a.m. at the earliest. Not good. Will not help with my jet lag. . .

I am going to make a list. Maybe two. Lists are good, they help my brain sometimes. Hopefully this one is the same.

What I'm nervous about:

1. The size of my carry on suitcase. Because we aren't checking anything, it's a little worrisome. I checked Delta's site, my bag fits the size it says, but I still worry.

2. The clothes I packed. I think they are okay, but because there is a more modest dress code (long skirts, no shoulders or chest), I'm a bit worried. It's not like I ever dress terribly indecent, but now that there are rules, I'm freaking out.

3. Don't drink the water. Bah. I've never been anywhere I couldn't drink the water. What if I forget?

4. What if I get sick while I'm there? I'm not a pleasant person when I'm sick.

5. Sun burn. Enough said. I'm going to Africa.

Okay, I'm sure there's more, but I'm going to focus on what I'm excited for now.

1. It's Africa! I'm going to freaking Africa!

2. Warm weather. Not that it's been cold here by any Nebraska weather standards, but a balmy mid-70 degree average will be wonderful.

3. A new culture. It will be like nothing I've ever experienced before, and I'm so excited.

4. I'm really pumped to meet the people we'll be working with and serving while we're there. They have such a welcoming spirit from what I've heard from Jeff and Arlene. And I'm excited to see Arlene see her dear, dear friends.

5. My dear, dear friends! What a great reunion this will be! Almost the whole team from last year will be going, plus an alumni that Jeff found us. ;) Some of the team has been gone all semester, so I'm jazzed to see everyone. And I'm excited to start a new chapter in the DME quote book!

Again, I'm sure there are more. But I have to start trying to settle down for the night. I need to get a few hours of sleep tonight. I'm hoping for three...

Until next time, it's time for Africa!

p.s. I will have very, very limited internet access. Don't expect any moon journey posts from Ethiopia. Then, if they happen, it will be a pleasant surprise. :)

Book Journeys

I have been reading. Sometimes I forget how much I love reading. Usually amnesia sets in with the chaos of college life, school work, and stress. But over breaks, I remember.

Remembering books is a beautiful thing. I think I've read seven so far this break. They are young adolencent books, so they are fast reads, but engrossing nonetheless. I'm working on reading through my future classroom library, which is surprisingly large for not having a classroom yet.

And what adventures I've been on! I have robbed from the rich with a retelling of Robin Hood from the point of view of Scarlet, the one women in Hood's band of merry men. I have found excitement in a new futuristic twist of Cinderella. I have solved mysteries in New York in 1946. I have met some very peculiar children hidden from the world who relive the same day over and over again. I have met mermaids. I have been to India, Kentucky, Plymoth, England, New York, Pennsylvania.

In short, I have gone on adventures. I love how books can do that. Bridges, connecting us to somewhere else, somewhere unexpected, somewhere magical. I think that's why I love books so much.

They let me go places I've never dreamed of. But I suppose books only take me so far. Which is why I board a plane in 36ish hours to head off on my next moon journey: Ethiopia.

It is still hard for me to grasp the fact that in three days time, I will be standing on African soil.

Maybe at some point I will be better at expressing my frazzled, excited, nervous thoughts, but for now, I'll leave you with a quote from one of my recent book journeys:

"P.P.S. Today the sun was out, and as I walked to school I wondered if it was sunny in Kentucky, too. And then I though to myself that it's the same sun here as it is there, and that made me feel like you're not so far away after all." --Same Sun Here by Silas House and Neela Vaswani

I guess the moon is out now (maybe, I didn't actually check, I just assumed). But for sure the stars are out. So no matter where you are, remember it is the same moon and the same stars here as it is there. It makes missing people more barable.

Until next time, Merry Christmas.

What I've Found

i have found sleep
maybe too much of it
or maybe just at the wrong hours

i have found books
maybe too many of them
but my love has been rekindled

i have found cooking
maybe not enough of it
but there is still time for more

i have found television
maybe (definitely) too much of it
but it's nice to numb the brain for a bit

i have found time
maybe not enough of it
but when can you have enough

i have found break
maybe not a long one
but long enough before the next journey

Until next time

Final Feelings

I am a mere 13ish hours away from being done with finals week. All that stands between me and finishing this semester is an essay I have to write at my 8:00 a.m. final tomorrow morning. I just turned in my Linguistics essays, I took my stupid Mass Media test this morning, and I am burning all notes and the book related to that stupid class in a couple hours. I'm looking forward to that.

The only boxes I have unfilled in on my to do list centers around my Chicago Semester application that I have put on the wayside for the other stuff I've had to do. Now it's staring me down, trying to make me finish it. I don't really want to. Obviously I want it to be done, but I don't want to do it.

Excuse me, I have to wake up Isaiah, he's sleeping on the table next to me. . . He just swore at me. The nerve. His arms are tingly. Quite funny.

My final fall semester at college is coming to a close. Scary. I'm not really ready for this. Can I just put off growing up for as long as possible? No, probably not.

And the worst part is, I'm trying to figure out summer plans along with all these future plans that seem to think they are important to figure out. That sucks.

So many things ending. Or beginning. I'm sure they are beginning, but right now they feel like they're ending. I don't like that feeling. I'll have to get over it.

I need to stop writing angst ridden posts. I feel like a 14 year old girl. . .

Until next time.

Changing Routines

I have survived death week. Barely. My body has adjusted to an average 3:00 a.m. bedtime, I have disregarded a few personal hygiene tasks, I have maybe cut corners on a few things I had to do, but I am alive.

Right now, that's all that counts.

In about 5 days I will be going home. Can't really decide how I feel about that yet. Excited to be done with this semester, not so excited to leave yet. Not that I'll be home for that long, I leave for Ethiopia the day after Christmas. A lot of things are going to change from this semester to next. I'm ready for the good changes, not looking forward to the other ones. They may not be bad, per say, but not what I want to think about yet.

Long story short, I have too many friends studying abroad or graduating next semester. Not fair.

Plus, I have the joy of not only writing papers and taking tests this week, but also applying for student teaching stuff. It's rather overwhelming. And really fricking scary. I should be writing placement essays now, but I just want to put it off. The longer I avoid, the longer I can tell myself I have more time than I do.

It really rather sucks to grow up. Or maybe just to have to change routines. I really like my college routine.

I'm just in the process of convincing myself that I know what I want to do with my life. Or that what I think I want to do is actually what I want to do. Or even that I'll like what I think I want to do.

It would be so much easier to just find a theatre somewhere and be a starving artist. Teachers have way more responsibility than I feel like I can handle right now...

This is such a depressing post. I need to be done now.

Until next time.

Death Week Freak

1. That had better be snow falling from trees and not from the sky.

2. Nope, definitely snowing in big flakes from the sky. Blasted December!

3. 4 a.m. is too late to be studying.

4. The local bakery is a surprisingly good place to study from midnight to 4 a.m.

5. The wind is picking up. Not a good sign.

6. My to do list seems to be getting longer instead of shorter. Maybe it's my imagination.

7. I don't know where my snow boots are.

8. This weekend my friends in Waco, TX are opening a play. I wish I was there.

9. The  idea of sitting through one-act tech tonight makes me cringe a little.

10. The test I have tomorrow doesn't look promising.

11. I skipped class, but I'm not being very productive. Good or bad, not sure yet.

12. What if I don't want to be a high school teacher for the rest of my life?

13. The theatre department needs to stop coupling off. It's getting ridiculous.

14. Sometimes I don't like going home to my apartment.

15. Someday I want to learn how to say no.

16. I hate crying, but that's all I feel like doing.

17. And sleeping. I feel like sleeping.

18. I want a hug. The kind so tight I can't even move my arms.

19. I want to be strong. I don't feel strong.

20. "As for me, this is my covenant with them," says the Lord. "My Spirit, who is on you, and my words I have put in your mouth will not depart from your mouth, or from the mouths of your children, or from the mouths of their descendants from this time on and forever," says the Lord.  -- Isaiah 59:21

Silence Speaks

I stifle a yawn.

This is no time to be sleepy.

There is too much to do. Too much to see.

I don’t know what yet, but I will.

You stifle a yawn.

I don’t feel so bad.

We’re quiet tonight.

But our silence is pretty loud.

Between all the things I won’t say

And all the things you can’t,

Conversation doesn’t get very far.

This walk was supposed to help.

So far it has only made my nose cold.

The nose is the worst part of the face to have cold.

There’s nothing you can do about it,

It just sits there, frozen and runny.

I steal a side glance.

You aren’t looking at me.

I don’t know what you’re looking at.

Just ahead.

I do the same.

I don’t see much.

Is that bad?

I look at where we’re going,

And I can tell it’s nowhere.

Yet we keep walking.

Why are we still walking?

Sometimes I have conversations with myself.

I talk about the weather, about the old man we just passed,

How I liked the reindeer on his sweater. He looked warm.

I small talk with myself.

Why can’t I small talk with you?

The silence is getting quieter.

I didn’t know it could get quieter.

Folding my arms, I sigh.

I want to tell you about the dream I had last night,

How you were there, standing in the corner.

I was watching you, but you didn’t pay attention.

You just stood there, like you had something to say.

Finally, you looked at me, words on the tip of your tongue.

Then I woke up.

Do you have something to say?

Right now, do you have something to say?

I wish you’d say it.

Then maybe I could say it too.

For Giggles

I found a few moments of giggles while doing homework. For my History of English Language homework, had to write a dialogue using Shakespearean  insults. For your enjoyment. 

*Please note that I do not hate men. I have been feeling rather feminist lately, however, and this is what happened. :)

Rosie: Would you mind loading the dishwasher for me?

Butch: No.

Rosie: Why not?

Butch: That’s a job for some spongy strumpet. Men don’t do dishes!

Rosie: You paunchy, ill-nurtured scut! You wouldn’t know how to wash a plate if your reeky, tickle-brained life depended on it!

Butch: Don’t go using big words on me, you puny elf-skinned harpy!

Rosie: Harpy? You wouldn’t know a harpy if it bit you on your goatish, half-faced ass!

Butch: Who are you calling goatish? At least I don’t look like a hedge-pig. You should thank your mother for that nose of yours!

Rosie: My mother tried to warn me! Don’t go marrying the worthless droning common-kissing codpiece that I thought I was in love with!

Butch: The only thing common I’ve kissed is you!

Rosie: And that dankish bettled-headed flax wench Missy!

Butch: That was a long time ago! You should be more respectful. Who goes to work every day, brings home the food for you to eat, pays the bills around here?

Rosie: You are such an artless doghearted boar-pig! Who cooks for you, cleans up after your rank milk-livered maggot-pie self? All I’m asking for is one load of dishes! Just one load! But no, that’s too much for your lumpish idle-headed puttock self image to handle.

Butch: I am not idle-headed! I have lots of good thoughts.

Rosie: The score of the last football game doesn’t count, you weedy folly-fallen measle. Do the dishes.

Looking for Moments

I am allowing myself the next 30 minutes to do something that isn't school or theatre related. Blog. Obviously doesn't happen very often.

I have such conflicting feelings that describe me right now. At times, I definitely feel like I'm drowning. Kind of a terrifying feeling. So much to do, I constantly ask myself when I'll have time to finish it.

But then, like a gift from God, there are moments when I feel like I'm conquering. They are brief, usually quite brief, but they exist. And that's enough to keep me going until the next glimmer of precious free moments arrive. Sometimes they are planned poems, sometimes they are escapes for ice cream, sometimes they are hugs, sometimes they are meals with friends. Luckily, they always come.

I keep telling people that Thanksgiving lulled us into a false sense of security, then slammed us with everything we had left to do in what I have deemed "the period of hell." The two weeks before finals week where everything is due and everyone is really busy. I rarely have a dead week (the week before finals), I almost always have a death week that almost kills me.

If it wasn't this, it'd be something else, I suppose.

The semester is coming to a close. 15 days until the end of finals. That's pretty scary. I only have a semester of classes left. I'm not ready for real life. College life is much easier.

But, we keep going. We don't have an option. But we do choose to keep looking for those glimmering moments of fresh air that makes everything possible again.

Until next time, look for your moments.

Sleepy Thanks

In my sleep deprived state, yawns sneaking past my lips, I am thankful for time.

Even though the time I have is often not used to the best potential (like spending 30 minutes last night listening to my friend read "Twilight in 15 Minutes." Coincidentally, it took longer than 15 minutes).

I am thankful that I have time at all. I have time to laugh with friends, time to write 10 minutes poems, time to talk, time to take trips, time to live, and eventually, time to sleep. It never seems like enough time, but I can't live my life in bed.

That isn't a life. That is hiding. I have seen too many people hiding away their lives under the covers. I would rather live, experience, and be sleep deprived than hide all day in my bed.

Until next time, wake up, be thankful.

City Training

Slowly, very slowly, I am becoming a city girl. Or at least a girl who longs for the city.

I just spent two days in Chicago attending the National Conference for Teachers of English. I have to admit that being in Chicago was the best part. There is something about the hustle and bustle that excites me. It probably helped that I didn't really have anywhere really vital to be, so I didn't have to hustle as much as those bustling around me.

Don't get me wrong, there were moments of small town girl that came out, often getting me in trouble. Like the time I almost got hit by a cab. That was exciting. Or when I directed a 16 year old the wrong direction when she was looking for the modern art museum. I knew it was on Michigan Ave, I just wasn't sure which direction. Hopefully she found it...

The conference itself was great. I learned about using multi-media and technology in the classroom (which, let's be honest, I knew already), about how to teach Shakespeare to students on their feet (which was great, I loved it), how to use creative writing in everyday literature classes (also great, but pretty self-explanatory), and how to address LGBT topics in the classroom (which are also pretty self-explanatory -- it's already being talked about, don't skirt around the topics. If anywhere, the classroom should be a safe, open place to learn and think through such topics).

Plus, book publishers really like giving teachers away free books  in hopes that we'll someday buy 60+ copies for our classroom use. Mom, I need another bookshelf at home. :D

Add that to going to see a really fabulous play about the Great Chicago Fire, seeing the city at night, eating fantastic Greek food, writing in the park, and having really wonderful impromptu converstaions with the women I went along with, it was a truly fantastic trip.

And I miss Chicago already.

I did however make it home in time to help strike the theatre's recent show and take a journey to Sioux City at 1:00 a.m. for a Perkins run with some lovely theatre people. Today I should really do some homework. We'll see how it goes.

Until next time.

Short Story Blah

I feel like all my creative writing juices went towards cranking out a 10 page short story draft tonight. After the third attempt at a story line, I finally found one I could see through to the end. The first one turned into a play. Not helpful when writing for a Narrative and Verse class.

I'm pretty okay with the story I ended up with. It's about sisters and quilts. We'll see where the revision process takes it.

This weekend has been wonderful. My friends Beckie and Emily who graduated last year came up to visit us. We went to a band concert, a play, watched movies, played games, and stayed up far too late. Found out the hide-abed in our apartment is not comfortable at all. They never are.

I should have done a lot more homework, but it didn't happen. Oh well. I don't know too much more. I'm sleepy, should go to bed. We'll see if it happens.

Until next time.

Agent for Beauty

Do you ever get so busy that you forget why you're doing these things? You know there is a purpose, you are working towards something, but what?

That's what this week has been for me. I have constantly been busy, but I kind of feel like a hamster on a wheel. I'm doing things, but I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere.

Most of my to do list this weekend have been for future projects, things I still have a week or more to do. No motivation to do them, there is no urgency yet. My theatre tasks are either dying down, stagnant, or haven't started. It is kind of frustrating. Constantly busy, but nothing to show for the work.

But I was reminded of a conversation I had with one of my English professors a few weeks ago. She was talking about one of her colleagues she's met along the way, Harold Heie. He complied a list of restorative values that are God's will for those who profess commitment to the Christian faith. The last one on the list is my favorite:

"God wills that Christians be agents for beauty, showing appreciation for beauty both in God's creation and in the artistic creation of humans, and fostering the further creation of such beauty."

What a lovely notion, to be an agent for beauty. Puts my tasks in perspective a bit. The historical research I'm doing is an aid for the audience that will see the show, see the beauty the ensemble has created. The behind the scenes planning and organizing that is happening on a small scale before rehearsals start will make the journey of beauty that the musical becomes run smoother. The poems and stories I'm writing and responding to are fostering beautiful words from learning writers. The unit plan I'm writing is gathering beauty and compiling texts to foster deep thinking and beautiful creations in a future classroom.

Makes my frustration lessen if only a bit. Gives me a bit of oomph to keep going, if only for another couple hours. What I am doing is considered beautiful, if only for the fact that I am working towards something I love.

Until next time, what beauty are you fostering?

Talking to Myself

There is romantic jazz music playing in my head. Or from the computer next to me. The joys of working into the early morning hours with the sound designer for the show we're working on. It's nice. Not staying up, but the music she's playing.

It is another late night for Hannah and me. Maybe someday we'll be able to sleep before 2 a.m. So far this week, it hasn't happened. Sadly, my body is adjusting to it, so I'm feeling pretty good. Discouraging, since we promised Isaiah that we'd be done by 2:00. Maybe my sleep deprivation will kick in by that point.

Hannah is talking to herself. She does that a lot. So do I. Maybe it keeps us sane. Or just makes us feel less...lonely? Confused? Sleepy? All the above, and many more, probably.

Last night Hannah told me that she likes listening to me read. I wasn't reading out loud. No, that would be far too normal. I was talking to my book, or what was happening in my book. Sounds about right.

Sometimes I worry that I talk to myself just because I like to hear myself talk. But, then I assure myself that if that was the case, I wouldn't be that worried about it.

I have whole conversations where I assure myself that I am in fact not conceded, insane, or ridiculous. But, because I have said conversations, I have a feeling the last two are being argued in vain. I guess I'm okay with being insane and ridiculous. Seems to be the growing trend around here. Tech weeks usually do that to theatre people.

I can't remember why I started this post. I probably shouldn't blog at 1 a.m. Note to self. Then again, my blogs may never have a real purpose anymore.

Loosing my mind...oh well...

Until next time.

October Wrap-up

Halloween. No costume. Sad Kristin. Pretty much sums it up.

However, I dressed up on Friday, so I guess that will have to do. 

Rocky Horror Picture Show. Enough said.

It has been an interesting month, and a quiet one in terms of blogging. A few poems here and there throughout the month has been about all I've posted. Granted, hasn't been a whole lot going on other than drowning in homework and theatre. About sums up my life at any given time, though. I should be used to it.

It is getting to the point in senior year when all of the girls in my grade are getting engaged. Marriage or babies (or both...) is on the horizon for everyone.

I'm just glad I found Franco, my soul mate. He's hard to describe, but so great. Very dark and mysterious...

So dark and mysterious I don't know him.

There, Isaiah, I made a 'moon journey' about him. :)

I will just continue to live vicariously through friends and movies. Much less commitment that way.

I am just trying to live moment to moment, having some fun along the way. What else could I ask for?

Until next time, Happy Halloween!

ten minutes at home

Note from author: when reading this poem, you should listen to this song:  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DHEOF_rcND8&ob=av2n

A poem challenge from a poet friend. One song, one poem, ten minutes. This is what I came up with.

ten minutes at home

home

somewhere

anywhere

adventure

lies in wait

anxious for

us to start

whatever

that

is

winding roads

ripped maps

shuffled playlists

bare feet

windows rolled down

your hair whipping

through the wind

baggy t-shirt and

ripped jeans

hole in your pocket

coins dropping

on the sidewalk

pennies face up

for the next person

your hand takes mine

rain dripping from the

sky light gray clouds

rolling over deep blues

this road takes us

somewhere

anywhere

wherever

that

is

you sing loudly

off key just like me

smiles exchanged

mumbles when we

don’t know the words

they said we’re crazy

they may be right

who are they

and why do we

listen to them

this adventure

has no rules

this friendship

has no bounds

because when

I’m with you

whenever

that

is

i’m home

Finding Light

There is a phrase used by theatre artists often, usually directors and lighting designers to actors: "Find your light!"

Nothing worse for a lighting designer to spend hours designing, plotting, hanging, and focusing lights than to have an actor decide their favorite spot on stage is the one dark corner not illuminated.

I was at Sunday night Praise and Worship this past weekend and was once again struck by the fact the speakers rarely stand in the light. I can understand. Standing in the light is unnerving. It shines brightly in your face, there is more heat, you feel weird in the spot light. It's not comfortable.

But the light is good! It illuminates, helps the audience focus on what is important, allows for cues to come across without words. A show without light is just people talking in the dark.

Jesus is the light. We are told to be the light. But have we found our light? I think a lot of times we try and hide away in the pockets of darkness. It is easier there, not as many people can see when you screw up, there isn't as much pressure. But it is a lie.

Finding our light isn't that hard, it is staying in the light that causes problems. Jesus is light, and He is really good at meeting us where we are. We're the ones who try and turn off the switch when things get tough. I know it's true in my life.

These are just thoughts that have been rolling around in my head the past day. Thought I'd share.

Until next time, find your light!

Random Boredom

A really random list of the really random thoughts of my really random days before fall break:

1. I have too much free time at this point in time. Blessing or curse, can't decide.

2. Aquaman is not the lamest superhero ever. He could talk to dolphins. That's bad ass.

3. Hockey season starts soon. I'm excited.

4. I am thankful the people who love me let me sing loudly and out of tune all I want.

5. I can read Old English out loud. Not well, and I don't understand what I'm saying, but I can pronounce the sounds. Kind of.

6. I am missing my Waco friends terribly.

7. I really, really need to do laundry. Good thing I'm going home this weekend...

8. Sparkles are nice, especially when they are in friend's eyes.

9. I can be a very angry person when given a pen and the chance to write a poem. Especially when the person making me angry won't shut up. And is sitting in the desk ahead of me. I have issues.

10. My little brother told me today to brush my teeth. Good advice, I guess.

11. Watching a group of boys play touch tag with a gourd and cantaloupe is highly amusing.

12. I really want to direct a play. I beautiful play.

13. I hate hearing/reading trashy plays. Sometimes problematic in the theatre.

14. I cannot wait to be in Africa in January. Ethiopia! So excited!

15. I'm done with my homework by 8:00 for the second night in a row. Boredom.

Until next time.

Happy Yom Kippur!

Saturday marked Yom Kippur on the Jewish calender, the day of atonement. A day in which forgiveness and grace is given for the upcoming year. Fasting and prayer is observed to receive forgiveness for the previous year's wrong doings.

Wikipedia tells me that attendance at Yom Kippur soars compared to other holidays. It's kind of like Christmas and Easter for Christians.

A few thoughts are bubbling in my mind as I think about this holiday. The first is thankfulness that I have a Christ that died for me, making such ceremonies unnecessary for forgiveness. The second is a realization that I am in need of a kind of Yom Kippur myself.

Takes a Jewish holiday for me to realize that I need to do some reevaluation of where I am currently in my walk with that Savior I love.  A little ironic, isn't it?

Luckily, I have a wonderful friend who sets challenges for me. A chapter of Proverbs a day. Ask me how it's going, keep me accountable. Prayer would be helpful as well.

Until next time, happy Yom Kippur!