In my journal, there are two pages that
are especially pertinent to my present state. Written on a Thursday in August,
the day I found out I had been hired as a full time English teacher for the
2013-2014 school year. On one page is a list I called “Scary thoughts now that
I have a job”, and on the next page is a list I called “Exciting thoughts now
that I have a job.”
I will start with a few thoughts from the
scary list:
3. What if my students don’t like me?
4. What if I don’t like the school?
5. What if there is a lot of rigidity in
lesson content?
6. What if I don’t impress them with Common
Core stuff like they are expecting?
7. What if I make a fool of myself?
And a few thoughts from the exciting
list:
1. I HAVE A FUCKING JOB!
2. I get my own classroom.
3. I get to teach things the way I want
to teach them.
4. I get to write my own lessons!
6. It is a big school, but a high
achieving school.
9. Did I mention no more applications and
interviews?
And now a few thoughts I wish I could
share with myself from 10 months ago. Or maybe some things I’m glad I know 10
months ago.
1. Yeah, some students don’t like you. Got
over that really, really quick. Most days. The good news? There are a whole lot
of students who really do like you. And most days you like them too. Granted,
there are still students who you want to crack their skulls together, but you
never have.
2. You don’t like the school. You like the
students. You like the teachers you work with. But you don’t like the school.
And that’s okay. There are worse things in life than realizing you don’t like
the place you work.
3. There’s no rigidity in the lesson
content. And that has sucked. Because as a first year teacher, having some kind
of clue as to what you’re supposed to be doing would have been great. Getting
handed a book and being told, “make it fit to Common Core” is the worst.
4. On the topic of Common Core: you have no
idea. No idea. No fucking idea. But you’ve gotten good at pretending. And you’ve
learned more than you think.
5. Oh, yeah. A fool has been made. Luckily,
you’ve always been good at laughing at yourself. Not so good at being able to
cry about things, though.
6. You had a job. Your first real job. And
it sucked. It was the hardest 9 months of your life. But you survived. And next
year you’ll have another job. And maybe it won’t be as hard.
7. You didn’t get your own classroom. But
you shared with some pretty wonderful teachers.
8. Sometimes teaching things the way you
want to teach them doesn’t work. Because you don’t know what the hell you’re
doing. Ask for help. Don’t be ashamed to admit you have no idea.
9. It’s a big school. And they look like
they’re high achieving. But there are a lot of students who don’t fit into
those ‘high’ brackets. And sometimes it is really hard to focus on those
students because they don’t care and they don’t want to be there. But you need
to anyway.
10. Welcome back to the world of job
applications. It sucks. But you can find some place that is better for you. Emotionally.
Mentally. Physically. Spiritually. Because you haven’t been happy there. And you
deserve to spend the majority of your time somewhere that makes you happy at
least half the time.
You googled ‘how to write a resignation
letter’. Never thought that was a skill you would have to learn. It was hard, admitting that you needed to go
somewhere else. And it will continue to be hard as you spend hours filling out applications,
freaking out about interviews, and not sleeping because of big questions.
But I deserve to be excited about teaching. I do. I really, really do.
So my journey continues.
