Identity Crisis

Is it possible to have an identity crisis in the place you first found your identity?

I think that's happening to me. Can't be sure, I may just be going crazy. Sadly, I think I'd probably fit in better here if I was a little crazier...

For the past two and a half weeks, I've been spending a lot of time in high school. Kind of. Granted, it's been better than actually being in high school, at least at this point in my life (for one, no homework; that's been real nice). I've been walking the same halls, seeing a lot of the same teachers, even the student body hasn't changed that much. I'm just hanging out with the siblings of all the kids I went to high school with, which is throwing me for a loop (I now understand why teachers tend to compare siblings; all I want to say to some kids is "Your brother/sister was awesome at this, be better!" Terrible...).

The difference is that I don't have as much of a purpose there. Yes, I am helping out with the speech team, which has been great, given me something to work on and towards, kept me from driving hundreds of miles to find a cliff to drive off. Grateful for that.

When I was there five years ago, I had things to do and accomplish. I knew what my role in the building was. There were clear cut goals: go to class, do my work, participate in my artsy extra curriculars, get good grades, graduate. I had friends that I saw and hung out with every day. I had good relationships with my teachers and knew where I stood with all of them.

Now, five years later, I'm just a drifter. I know what I'm doing about a third of the time. My goals are smaller: make copies for Sayers, help this duet team practice, offer suggestions to this OID acting team and get some attitude in return, highlight and cut out scripts. I'm a part of the speech team process, but beyond that, I don't have a purpose walking through the halls.

It's driving me a little crazy.


I think I started thinking about this after a very brief conversation I had at the end of 8th period with a senior student. He's in the OID team that I've worked with most the past few days, and though I don't think he means anything by it, he's got an attitude with me. I haven't figured out if it's an attitude that he has with everyone or not; kind of irritating. He was asking about what time we had to be at the speech meet tomorrow morning, and I said, "7:30. Don't be late." He gives me one of those looks and makes one of those obnoxious, attitude sounds that are impossible to translate into text. I say, "Hey, I don't know you, you could be a late person." His response, "Yeah, you're right, you don't know me. I'm 15 minutes early to everything."

I'm really not sure why it hit me and stuck with me like it has, but it's been echoing in my head off and on since. I really don't know most of these students I'm working with, and it is frustrating. Part of me realizes that this is normal and okay, nothing to be irritated at. But there is an irrational part of me that assumes that since I grew up here, I should know at least the kids that were in school when I was in school. Especially since he's been going to school with my brother for thirteen years. Stupid, especially since I've really had no contact with this kid until two and a half weeks ago.

And then I think, "Hey, is this how people feel about me?" Here I am, five years later, and people expect to know me because they knew me then. But when they realize I've drastically changed and grown up since I was a student there, the connection we had isn't the same. What makes it even harder is the fact I know I've changed, and I don't know how to make that connection the same either. I walk around, see teachers in the hall that I had throughout elementary and high school, say hello, but nothing more. I don't know how to talk to the same men and women I had daily conversations with not that many years ago.

Maybe it's just growing pains. I don't know. I just don't feel like I know myself as well here. Or maybe it's just harder to be myself here.

Then again, I could just be going crazy.

Until next time.

Soap Box Stew

I have been stewing on and off for the past five hours, which isn’t too out of the ordinary for me. I tend to think about something that happened for hours or days after the event. This was an angry stew though, which is less common for me.

At dinner tonight my two youngest siblings (17 year old brother and 15 year old sister), my dad, and I had a conversation that stemmed from the President’s speech today. My dad is following the gun talk going on in the media and government pretty closely. But the conversation switched.

Today in one of my brother’s senior level classes, they were discussing current events. One of his classmates brought up an article talking about a young woman in college who went to a party and was raped by six young men. My brother told us that his teacher’s comment was, “She shouldn’t have been there.”

I was enraged. First of all, this is not one of my favorite teachers in our high school. But beyond my personal feelings toward the teacher, it was a completely inappropriate and off-base comment to make, especially in a classroom of teenagers. In five words, he made some very bold assumptions.

First of all, an assumption is made that this young woman was essentially asking to be raped because she went to this party. More likely than not, this was not her first party; she had probably been to others and nothing had happened. How was she to know that this would be the party where she would be gang raped? It isn’t like women have rape radars that they choose to ignore on the nights they get raped.

Second of all, he is forgetting the fact that this was a crime committed by six men. Not one, but six. There is a level of human decency, a moral code that no matter what environment we grow up in, raping a woman should be on the ‘do not do’ side of the scale. And because these men were college students, they were born into privilege, therefore there is very little doubt in my mind that they all knew what they were doing was wrong.

Taking both of these into mind, there is the generalization that this woman was to blame. That there was something this woman did that made these men rape her; maybe she was dressed to risqué, maybe she was drinking too much, whatever the case may be, these men just couldn’t help it.

Bullshit.  

With this mindset, the entire male gender is being majorly discredited. With this thought, all men are rapists waiting to pounce; they have no self-control whatsoever, and there is nothing they can do to stop it. With this generalization, this teacher has raised a handful of rapists and set them loose on society, but it’s not their fault, they can’t help it.

Again, bullshit.

Wild, sweeping generalizations make me so angry, and we make them all of the time. Because some homosexual men have aids, all homosexual men have aids. Because some Mexicans are here illegally, all Mexicans are here illegally. Because some blacks are on welfare, all blacks are on welfare. Because some women get raped, all women are asking for it to happen to them. It goes on and on.

My brother was not only frustrated with this teacher, but he was also frustrated that he didn’t speak up at the time. At seventeen he knows right from wrong, and I know the next time this kind of issue is brought up, he won’t stay silent. That in itself is a victory.

These issues are so massive that small victories need to be celebrated. So while I’ve been fuming all night, I can’t help but rejoice at the fact my seventeen year old brother is bringing these kinds of issues up at the dinner table. He has a good head on his shoulders, and I know for a fact he will never be one of those men who blames women for his actions, good or bad. And that is a big victory. 

Until next time, strive for the big victories, rejoice in the little victories. 

Two Hands

I have come home from my latest journey to Orange City. It was the first time I've been on campus since mid-August, and I have mixed feelings about it.

On the one hand, it was amazing to see all of my friends. I didn't realize how much I missed them. Do you get that? For some reason I often miss people a lot more after I call them or see them and then have to leave them. Of course I miss people that I haven't seen for a long time or when I am reminded of them at random times. But it wasn't until my drive home did I realize how much I had missed them. I was hugged so much. Wonderful.

But on the other hand, it was so strange to be on campus when I didn't have a place to belong there anymore. Sure, I will always be welcome with my friends, bless their hearts, but it wasn't my home anymore. Which I am not upset about, I don't mind the fact that I don't belong there anymore.

I just kind of feel like I don't actually belong anywhere at the moment. I have lots and lots of places I am welcome at, lots of places that have pieces of my heart, but no where that I feel like "yes, this is it, this is where I am supposed to be right now."

Now, if you want to hear the typical, preachy answer that I get from way, way too many people, I would tell you that I am right where God wants me, that I have a purpose here, that I just need to be open to the possibilities.

Fine. That may be true.

But it doesn't help my wandering heart and anxious spirit. When I know that I don't belong somewhere anymore, I'm ready to move on. That's where I am now. And where I'll be for the next five months. Blah.

To end on a positive note, it really was a great trip. I loved all of the one-on-one time I got with a few of my friends. I loved all of the large group time I got with all of my friends. I loved all of the laughter. I loved all of the hugs. I loved all of the love.

Until next time.

Friday Experiences

Happy Friday, everyone!

I have succeeded in my new year's goals as of yet. This week's letter is waiting to go in the mail tomorrow. There are four new documents in my 2013 folder for my daily writing prompts. I thought I'd share tonight's. Not the best poem I've ever written by any means, but why not share?

Look, Experience 

Experience

Look around yourself

Dear friend

And experience

Because where you are now

May not be where you are forever

And while I may not take my own advice

I nonetheless find the concept important

One day when you leave the place you are now

You will look back and wonder

And I hope that when you do

You will have the answers

So watch a children’s movie

With your sister in the bed beside you

Take the dog around the block again

Stay up late reading that book

Cook that chocolate cake

And eat the whole thing

Smile at your crush walking by

Laugh with your whole body

Pause to listen to your neighbor’s music

Ask the man at the counter how he’s been

Hear the story told by a five year old

Talk to your grandma twice as long

Take the long way to work

Help out a kid who can’t quite reading

Write a poem and share it with friends

Read the letter just received again

Because these little things

Turn into big things later

And these experiences are shaping you

Whether you realize it or not

So experience

Look around yourself

Dear friend

And experience 

I have been thrown into the world of high school speech once again. So we've been working on group acting pieces and duets, revising informative and persuasive speeches, and creating visual aids. Mrs. Sayers, the speech coach, has dubbed me the visual aids queen. I need a crown. Or maybe I'll put it on the back of my t-shirt. I've had fun jumping back into speech things. 

I don't have much more to write about, so that's it for me tonight. Sleep is fast approaching. I'm so exciting on my Friday night.

Until next time. 

Year's Newness

A new year.

I'm not going to say that I'm glad it's a new year. Truthfully, I'm a bit sad 2012 is over. I at least had a plan for 2012. 2013 has way too many question marks hanging around it right now for me to be too excited about a new year.

I am not one to make New Year's Resolutions. I'm not really improving upon anything, I'm merely adding new 'habits' I'm trying to get started. New Year's Goals is a better way to phrase it. I have two this year:

1. Write letters. My friend Shelby and I are going in on this one together. It is our goal to send out 4 letters/post cards/greeting cards each month, one a week in a perfect world. I love getting mail, and I love writing letters. It really is a lost art. My plan is to keep up with my one or two regular pen pals and then have a rotating list of people I send love to. So, if you want your name on my list, give me your address.

2. Write daily. I found a book of writing prompts in my brother's room when he was cleaning. There is one for every day of the year. I am going to try very, very hard to write one every day. This one will be so much harder for me. Anything I have to do every day is tough, but I'm going to give it my best shot. I just finished today's, so 364 to go.

I'm trying very hard not to look at the first part of this year as a total failure on my part. Home is not at all where I wanted to be right now. I don't like not knowing what I'm doing with my life, and I don't like feeling like a complete failure for having to move home with mommy and daddy. My parents are so cool about it, but it's not where I want to be.

So I need to figure out how to use these months at home to grow, even though I feel like I have out grown just about every thing Orchard has to offer me. Hence, the daily writing. I'm also helping out with the high school speech team, which I'm super excited about. Hopefully I will get my substituting license fairly soon and that will keep me busy.

It's just so easy for me to slip into a lethargic state of being at home. In all actuality, this is a great time for me to be creating; I was always saying how much I missed having time to do art and crafts and such. I just need to get the oomph to do it.

That's all I know tonight. I thought about posting my writing from tonight, but I think I'll keep it to myself for now. Maybe another post.

By the way, have you listened to this song? It is one of my favorites. It is absolutely lovely.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E7xUZkKd58c

Until next time.