Identity Crisis

Is it possible to have an identity crisis in the place you first found your identity?

I think that's happening to me. Can't be sure, I may just be going crazy. Sadly, I think I'd probably fit in better here if I was a little crazier...

For the past two and a half weeks, I've been spending a lot of time in high school. Kind of. Granted, it's been better than actually being in high school, at least at this point in my life (for one, no homework; that's been real nice). I've been walking the same halls, seeing a lot of the same teachers, even the student body hasn't changed that much. I'm just hanging out with the siblings of all the kids I went to high school with, which is throwing me for a loop (I now understand why teachers tend to compare siblings; all I want to say to some kids is "Your brother/sister was awesome at this, be better!" Terrible...).

The difference is that I don't have as much of a purpose there. Yes, I am helping out with the speech team, which has been great, given me something to work on and towards, kept me from driving hundreds of miles to find a cliff to drive off. Grateful for that.

When I was there five years ago, I had things to do and accomplish. I knew what my role in the building was. There were clear cut goals: go to class, do my work, participate in my artsy extra curriculars, get good grades, graduate. I had friends that I saw and hung out with every day. I had good relationships with my teachers and knew where I stood with all of them.

Now, five years later, I'm just a drifter. I know what I'm doing about a third of the time. My goals are smaller: make copies for Sayers, help this duet team practice, offer suggestions to this OID acting team and get some attitude in return, highlight and cut out scripts. I'm a part of the speech team process, but beyond that, I don't have a purpose walking through the halls.

It's driving me a little crazy.


I think I started thinking about this after a very brief conversation I had at the end of 8th period with a senior student. He's in the OID team that I've worked with most the past few days, and though I don't think he means anything by it, he's got an attitude with me. I haven't figured out if it's an attitude that he has with everyone or not; kind of irritating. He was asking about what time we had to be at the speech meet tomorrow morning, and I said, "7:30. Don't be late." He gives me one of those looks and makes one of those obnoxious, attitude sounds that are impossible to translate into text. I say, "Hey, I don't know you, you could be a late person." His response, "Yeah, you're right, you don't know me. I'm 15 minutes early to everything."

I'm really not sure why it hit me and stuck with me like it has, but it's been echoing in my head off and on since. I really don't know most of these students I'm working with, and it is frustrating. Part of me realizes that this is normal and okay, nothing to be irritated at. But there is an irrational part of me that assumes that since I grew up here, I should know at least the kids that were in school when I was in school. Especially since he's been going to school with my brother for thirteen years. Stupid, especially since I've really had no contact with this kid until two and a half weeks ago.

And then I think, "Hey, is this how people feel about me?" Here I am, five years later, and people expect to know me because they knew me then. But when they realize I've drastically changed and grown up since I was a student there, the connection we had isn't the same. What makes it even harder is the fact I know I've changed, and I don't know how to make that connection the same either. I walk around, see teachers in the hall that I had throughout elementary and high school, say hello, but nothing more. I don't know how to talk to the same men and women I had daily conversations with not that many years ago.

Maybe it's just growing pains. I don't know. I just don't feel like I know myself as well here. Or maybe it's just harder to be myself here.

Then again, I could just be going crazy.

Until next time.