Passive Problems

I have a problem being passive. At least in certain situations. Let me explain.

I will avoid unnecessary confrontation until the cows come home, but the minute someone tries to step on me or someone I love, they will hear about it. Unless the person saying will hurt me. Like I said, avoiding unnecessary pain, which in some cases is the same as confrontation.

However, my lack of being able to handle passivity is quite evident in other ways. Like my inability to stay home all day without wanting to jump out of the window. I go stir crazy, like I'm wasting away my life. Also, I hate just waiting for things to happen. Filling out job applications has been super hard for me, because once I hit submit, it's completely out of my hands.

I would much rather go out, make mistakes, screw some things up, have adventures, and then come home and relax knowing I did something with my day, even if it wasn't super productive.

Maybe that's why the saying I saw on my facebook wall hit my eyes weird and made red flags go off in my head. I love the person who posted it dearly, she has always been one of the most loving and encouraging women in my life, and has helped me through some major growing pains. This is not a blast on her, or anyone else who connects with the phrase. This is me working it out, nothing more.

The phrase I'm referring to is "Let go and let God." I can see the appeal. When we let go of our struggles and worries, we let God take over. It's easier, less stressful, and He obviously knows what's best for us.

But I can't seem to let my brain be okay with that, or my soul, I guess. That mindset is far, far too passive for me.

Now, you may be saying, "Kristin, dearest, you are about as far from practicing faith as you can get. The only way you could put more distance between you and organized religion is by being a blasphemous heathen worshiping Satan. You aren't the most proactive person when it comes to your faith."

You'd be right. I'm not. And I'm cool with it, as is God. He knows I'll come around better than I do, I just have to figure out my own path back. For some reason, I'm pretty sure I'm on it, and I'm not in too big of a hurry. So label me disturbed or problematic or whatever, I'm fine with it.

What I'm not fine with is the idea of loosing all control or say in my life. That's the reason why I stayed away from drinking for so long, and the reason I know my limits and don't push them. I don't like the feeling of being out of control, of not knowing what I'm doing or where I'm going or why I'm there.

And God knows that about me. He knows I will never be able to just let go. And I think He's okay with that. I don't think He's a God who wants His strings controlling my every move. He is not a marionette, and I don't want to make Him into one.

God has given us our own heads and our own hearts because He knows we learn far better from our mistakes than we do from words on a page. He knows that through all the twists and turns my feet take me, all roads in my life will eventually lead to Him.

I don't need to let go and let God because He hasn't let go of me.

Now, I may take myself down some wrong roads, have to make some u-turns, have to burn a few bridges, and start deciphering the map for myself -- no, I will have to do all of those things. That is not an if-than statement.

I think God's cool with that. I have no Biblical proof of such a fact. In fact, not even sure where my Bible is at the moment. I also think God's cool with that.

And I applaud all of you who are able to 'let go and let God.' I think that's great for you. But I know that's not something I'm ready to do right now. Maybe it's because I'm young and idealistic, or maybe I'm just too stubborn. But right now, I'm going to keep holding on, making decisions for me.

Selfish? Oh, definitely. Foolish? Possibly. Right? Eh, gray area.

Besides, I don't want to live my life and look back and see only days I stayed home in bed all day and watched movies. Or the equivalent of such days in terms of decisions.

My inability to handle being passive is my issue to deal with, or not deal with, as the case may be. And I'm not really sure why I felt the need to blog about it. But I did, and here it is.

Until next time, let go. Or don't. Whatever.