Fifth Period Smiles

I've had this poem ruminating in my head since fifth period today. It's about a very special student of mine that was having a particularly tough day today. G.T. is one of those students who always, always makes my day better. He struts into class, typically a little late, with a wide grin on his face. He's a little rough, but not as rough as he'd like everyone to think. G.T. loves football, hates reading, and really likes to tease girls. His grin always makes me smile, and during fifth period, I need anything I can get to smile.

Today was different. So different that I wrote a poem about him.

I could tell something was wrong when you didn’t smile

You always share your smile with me

It’s the highlight of fifth period

But today there was no smile

No wandering around the room

No teasing the girls near you

No smile

I needed that smile

Partially for me

But mostly for you

I’ve never felt anger in a body the way you carry it around

Square shoulders of a fifteen year old

Muscles tight and tense

As if it was taking every iota of restraint

To keep you from exploding into pieces

You kept your eyes on the ground

Asking if you could go to the restroom

At first I told you no

Following classroom rules

But pulling you aside by the door

Asking what was going on

You said nothing

That you were fine

I didn’t believe you

Asking if you needed to talk

You said no

That it could only be resolved by action

Red flags went off in my head

I stood in front of the door

Keeping your focus

Telling  you that nothing is worth that much trouble

The kind of trouble that would get you kicked out or arrested

That would keep me from seeing you every day

Because I don’t have very many days left

And I would hate to miss one single day of seeing you

You glanced up

Seeing if I was serious

I held eye contact reassuring you

Telling you how important you are to me

You glanced up again

Checking to see if I was still serious

Like you didn’t believe me

I smiled

You didn’t

But you did look relieved

When I told you I was here to talk if you needed me

I let you go to the bathroom

Said I expected you back in ten minutes

You nodded and left the room

Shoulders a little less squared

I returned to the class

Three minutes later so did you

You didn’t smile before the bell rang

But a couple periods later in the hall

I saw a smile

And I needed that smile

But not as much as you did

Today was a rough day. During forth period, the freshmen lunch period, there were four fights in roughly forty-five minutes. Two were in the lunch room, two in a couple classrooms. Tension is running high at Kelvyn Park. The blood split on the streets of Chicago this past week is leaking into the halls.  It makes teaching very hard and learning almost impossible. 

The final project for the unit I designed is about issues they see in the community or school and suggestions for improvement. At least three groups in all five periods are talking about gangs and/or violence. 

I am becoming more and more aware of how blessed my life is here. Yes, I'm hours away from many friends and family, I have almost no money, I'm stressed beyond belief. But a thirty minute bus ride and I leave behind the issues those kids have to go home to. 

Because as much as people want to separate home from school, what happens at one has a direct impact on the other. If a kid can't sleep because there are gun shots happening in the park down the block from his house, he's going to have a shitty day in school. When a kid's mom bought drugs instead of groceries that week, she's not going to be able to focus in second period. 

And the worst part? I can do virtually nothing. Encouragement and smiles are about all I can give them, and even those they have to be willing to take. It's hard. Really, really hard.

It's a good thing it's Friday. I'm tired, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. And yet I'm still awake. 

Until next time.