Just Done

I’m afraid to type the words that have been swirling around in my head. They’ve been there, in bits and pieces, for quite a while. And they don’t make much sense. At least not in a logical, ‘this is what I should be thinking and feeling’ kind of way. 

I think I’m just tired of biting my tongue. It feels raw and swollen. And to think that a lot of these words trace back to facebook. 

I’m tired. Tired of seeing Jesus posts, facebook prayers, shared scripture passages that tie into a political or social issue. I feel the same way about Jesus bumper stickers, Christian t-shirts, billboards that tell people they’re going to hell, and protest signs held by those claiming Jesus’ love. 

I’m tired. And frustrated. And angry. And done. Just done. 

Because what that’s doing, posting cookie cutter thoughts and believes shared by 10,000 other people isn’t helping anyone’s cause. It isn’t bringing new converts to Christianity by scripture on pictures of shepherds and mountains. It is highly unlikely that anyone is reading a facebook wall or bumper sticker and experiencing their turning moment. Now, I didn’t say impossible, but highly unlikely. 

What I see happening is the exact opposite. I see that picture of a lion and a lamb and roll my eyes, keep scrolling, and swear in my head. Because it isn’t reminding me of God and His great love for me. It is reminding of a lot of surface thick conversations and weak expressions of devotion to a God who I don’t understand. It is reminding me of friends who have been hurt, family who has been shamed, and people who have been turned away from God’s love because of the people who follow Him. 

It’s turning me off. Making me run the other direction. 

Because I don’t want my worship of the Almighty to be weak, watered down, or stale. I don’t want my life verse to be the same one as every other person’s in the world. “For I know the plans I have for you.” “Faith is being sure of what you hope for.” “For God so loved the world.” 

I want my love and my worship to mean something. 

And the scariest part? 

I have no fucking clue what that looks like. And that scares the living shit out of me. 

I want to take what I’ve been told my whole life and throw it out the window. Because what I grew up learning and what I heard in church and what I studied in college is not matching up to the needs that I see around me. 

Because the Christian love I see around me is not the kind of love I want to share. I don’t want to love people on a contingency plan of what they believe. It is not for me to declare myself above someone because I have never had pre-marital sex. I will not blame a woman for choosing to get an abortion when it is her choice to make. I cannot pass judgment on anyone because they drink or smoke pot. I won’t tell a young boy he can’t be a boy scout for any reason. I cannot stop loving my friend because she loves and is committed to beautiful and intelligent woman who loves her back.

I will not hold back my love because I do not want love held back from me. 

I know that I am capable of loving because I was loved first. But it is impossible for me to imagine that kind of love. It is not feasible to me how the creator of the universe cares how I feel and think. But I know He does. 

And I know without a doubt that He feels the exact same way about every single person on this earth – straight, gay, drunk, sober, slut, educated, poor, wealthy, dirty, clean, whatever. 

If He can love everyone, truly love them for who they are, why can’t we? 

And for the love of God, can we please express our love in a way that doesn’t clutter up my facebook wall? 

Until next time.